The Austin, TX, school district recently decided to rename the Robert E. Lee Elementary School. This being Texas, people built themselves into a lather over such a decision, despite the small fact that the Confederacy lost the war and all. Nothing says 'Merica! like naming a school after someone who failed. Bonus points for racial undertones, too.
An open call for a new school name was held and the public responded with alternatives. The list includes--but is not limited to--the following fine, classy, and verbatim selections:
Austin Taliban Elementary School
Ayn Rand Elementary
Bleeding Heart Liberal Elementary
Adolf Hitler School for Friendship and Tolerance (eight nominations)
Bruce Lee Elementary (three nominations)
Communist Elementary
Drew Brees Elementary (three nominations)
Dwayne Johnson Elementary School
Flava Flav Elementary
Forgetting Your Past Dooms You to Repeat It Elementary
Generic School Name
Hypothetical Perfect Person Memorial Elementary School
IGNORANCE IS BLISS ELEMENTARY
James Earl Ray Elementary School
Jefferson Davis Elementary (three nominations)
John Cena Elementary School
Kanye West Elementary (two nominations)
Kim Il-Sung High School (two nominations)
Leadership & Excellence in Education (LEE)
Lee Elementary (thirteen nominations)
Lil Jon Elementary
Malcolm X (two nominations)
Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary School (two nominations)
Neil deGrasse Tyson
O.J. Simpson Elementary
Pat Tillman Elementary School (four nominations)
Politically Correct Elementary School #1
Raul Castro Elementary
Revisionist Elementary School
Richard Pryor Elementary (six nominations)
Rudolf Hess Primary
School of Progressive and Socialist Studies
Schoolie McSchoolface
Schooly McSchoolerson (two nominations)
Schooly McSchoolerton
Spike Lee Elementary (four nominations)
Texas Declaration of Independence
The Elementary School Formerly Known as Robert E. Lee (two nominations)
The Illuminati
The Rubber Duckies
Traitor
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin Elementary School
Werner von Braun Institute of Science and Technology
Willie Nelson Elementary (two nominations)
There were other random nominees as well, including a shoutout to Appamattox Court House--located in Virginia, mind you--where the Civil War ended, except the individual who nominated the historic building spelled it "Appamaattox." Admittedly, it's easy to get carried away with double letters.
The big winner was Donald J. Trump Elementary with 45 nominations. Harper Lee, related in name only to General Lee and native of Alabama and New York, neither of which was Texas last anyone checked a map, came in fourth place with 30 nominations.
No final decision has been made, but I think the country and Texans alike can come together over Schoolie McSchoolface. It conjures images of a cartoon character and a McDonald's Happy Meal. And isn't that what American education is really all about?
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