So you want to go to grad school? (Part Five)

Congratulations! Because of a myopic tenacity to throw caution to the wind, you're still going to grad school! This is the kind of masochism usually only seen in Cormac McCarthy novels.

A few months ago I helped you speak like a first-semester grad student. Now it's time to build on that. Consider this a vocabulary bee for pretentious people.


THE WORDS:

a.) TROPE

What it means:
A figure of speech using words in nonliteral ways, such as a metaphor.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does:
Troupe--as in circus troupe. As in "I prefer circus troupes with grizzly bears riding tricycles."

Why grad students use it:
Because it's like a verbal trapeze act.

Ratio-of-use:
Two students per grad class will use it, with one subliminally channeling Cirque du Soleil in their answer.

Pretentiousness Scale (scale of 1 to 5):
Three!  Best used in a grad class when actually referencing tricycle riding grizzly bears.

b.) RUBRIC

What it means: A heading on a document; an explanatory comment or gloss.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does: A Rubik's Cube.

Why grad student use it: Because other 1980s cult games, like Simon, don't have quite the same oomph.

Ratio-of-use: Once a class, usually by the hipster of the class.

Pretentiousness Scale: Five! Just like a Rubik's Cube, it's more overrated than enjoyable.

c.) EPHEMERAL

What it means: Lasting a very short time, short-lived, transitory.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does: Effervescent. Picture Florence Henderson in a commercial saying, "Polident really makes my dentures feel effervescent!"

Why grad students use it: It sounds like at least a dozen other potential words. It keeps the class guessing.

Ratio-of-use: Every other class someone channels Mrs. Brady. But everyone knows that Alice was where the brains were.

Pretentiousness Scale: Two! Only because half the class is pretty certain you're talking about dentures.

d.) META-(anything)

What it means: A prefix used in English to indicate a concept which is an abstract of another concept, used to complete or add to to the latter. (Ex: metalanguage means a language for describing another language which is not itself.)

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does: A modern art gallery in SoHo.

Why grad students use it: The clearest way to talk about abstract things is to use abstract abstractions.

Huh?

Exactly.

Ratio-of-use: Used in emergencies whenever a student feels they're speaking too normally.

Pretentiousness Scale: Four! Gives off the vibe of a Greek philosopher without the actual ability to communicate like Plato.

e.) HERMENEUTIC (also hermeneutical)

What it means: interpretive, explanatory

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does: Eunuch. Although eunuchs can sometimes require interpretive explanations.

Why grad students use it: Really makes that Word-a-Day calendar feel like it was worth the $12.99 price tag.

Ratio-of-use: Once per class. Usually by the student who gesticulates with a pen while talking.

Pretentiousness Scale: Five! Sounds like a science experiment gone horribly wrong.

f.) DISCOURSE

What it means: Communication of thoughts by words; talk; conversation.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does: Mob boss talk for "this course." As in, "Dis course of antipasti ain't worth the plate it's served on!"

Why grad students use it: Because "conversation" is so 2008.

Ratio-of-use: All the rage right now. That is until "disquisition" or "tractate" become the new buzz words.

Pretentiousness Scale: Three! Would've been higher, but it sure as hell isn't on par with hermeneutic.