Congratulations! Because of your tenacity (or masochism) and perseverance (or mom and dad's checkbook), you've fought through the battery of GRE tests and now are looking to apply to the graduate schools themselves.
Let's break down the next few steps in an easy-to-follow plan!
1.) Statement of Purpose
Much like an Emo song, chances are you've always wondered if your life had a purpose. Now is as good a time as any to try and explain that purpose in 1000 words or fewer. Have a sense of humor? Humor doesn't sell in the world of grad schools. Pretend you're as dry as your grandma's bundt cake.
Realize that statements of purpose require you to explain what you want to study while in graduate school. Act scholarly. Act knowledgeable. Act passionate. Act like you actually know literary theorists from the 18th century, and randomly drop their names into your statement. Polysyllabic foreign last names are all the rage. Find the foreign theorist with the longest last name and make sure to refer to them often. Bonus points if their last name doesn't include any vowels.
Determine your area of expertise in literature and what you love most. Include William Shakespeare's sonnets. Include Allen Ginsberg's obscenity references. Include Wilkie Collins simply because you like the name "Wilkie." Try and figure out how you can make all of them work as an area of study by weaving together the fact they're all old dead men who could spell without many mistakes.
Then, like a used car salesman...sell, sell, sell! It doesn't matter if your statement of purpose has the appeal of a 1971 Ford Pinto. Sell it. Is your academic record weak? Is your GPA more anemic than your uncle Frank's blood flow? Gloss over those facts. Instead, refer to that 8th place showing you once had in a poetry competition at the local public library. After all, one man's 8th place is another man's 1st place after 7th.
2.) Resume
Many schools require you submit a resume. Polish up the resume you've used in your failed job search after graduating with a bachelors degree. Sprinkle keywords like "skilled" and "energetic" and "motivated" and "experienced" throughout the resume. Don't mention that those words refer to your skills at XBox or Playstation. What they don't know won't kill them.
List all the jobs you've ever held in your life. Have you only been a bagger boy at the local A & P? Use phrases like "lead sales associate" or "team lead assistant." After all, you're assisting the cashier in bagging the groceries, aren't you? And it sounds so much more debonair.
Have you worked at least twenty jobs, staying with none longer than two weeks? Have you even been fired by family members? Lie. Fib. Play the odds. Grad schools probably won't know if you actually worked 10 years in the Peace Corps staving off malaria.
3.) Letters of Recommendation
Being outspoken and annoying in English classes all those years wasn't a total waste. It showed professors you cared. Caring = potential glowing letter of recommendation. Protocol suggests giving professors four weeks advance notice before you need the letters sent out. Professors can be busy/procrastinators. Give them four months.
Graduate schools usually demand letters of recommendation from three professors. Odds are you fall into one of of two categories:
1.) You were quiet and barely known in any English class you took. Professors often mistook you for someone else. If your name is Alyssa, they call you Ashley. If your name is Dan, they call you Dave. Hand over documents that prove you actually took five courses with them over the years. It's likely the professors will write you a basic catch-all letter of recommendation, randomly inserting your name at key points. No matter what, make sure they use the correct name. Nothing is a buzz kill quite like, "I write to you today to strongly recommend Robert..." when your name is actually Steve.
2.) You were chatty and well-known and volunteered for every social activity throughout the English Department. Professors often mistook you for their adopted child, kind of like Madonna or Angelina Jolie, but on a much lower celebrity profile level. Countless professors will be willing to write you a letter of recommendation. Casually remind them that you might be their only hope. It is a state school after all. A small state school. A little known, small, state school.
Remember that "busy/procrastinator" label above? English professors were once English students. English students are all procrastinators. Hey, reading books takes time. The eyeballs only move so fast from left to right. Tell the professors the deadline for their letters is two days or two weeks or two months earlier than it actually is. Leave the professors envelopes for each college...envelopes already stamped...envelopes already addressed to each college. Undoubtedly, they will all forget the deadline.
Why? They all were once English students, too.
4.) Applications
Are you broke from taking the GREs? Thankfully, grad schools are understanding. They only want anywhere from $40 to $110 per application, so it's not like they want your kidneys or anything.
Yes, of course, you ask, "What if I don't have anywhere from $40 to $110 to apply to every school?" Well, my friend, grad schools understand some of you aren't living off mommy and daddy's bank account. Why, look at how understanding Boston University is with their explanation about their $70 application fee:
"No, the application fee is not waived under any circumstance. Applications will not be considered without the application fee being submitted."
That's right, folks! The caste system isn't just a way of living in India anymore! It exists in the graduate school application process, too! See, Boston University isn't the only graduate school that demands money. Many schools follow this method. Sure, occasionally there's a school that will waive the fee if you fill out tons of forms, then show tax proof that you're poverty-stricken, then get a financial aid dean of your undergraduate school to confirm this fact. They make it so simple and easy! It's not like they're asking you to sign documents with your own blood or anything. But most schools won't waive the fee under any circumstance.
"No, the application fee is not waived under any circumstance. Applications will not be considered without the application fee being submitted."
That's right, folks! The caste system isn't just a way of living in India anymore! It exists in the graduate school application process, too! See, Boston University isn't the only graduate school that demands money. Many schools follow this method. Sure, occasionally there's a school that will waive the fee if you fill out tons of forms, then show tax proof that you're poverty-stricken, then get a financial aid dean of your undergraduate school to confirm this fact. They make it so simple and easy! It's not like they're asking you to sign documents with your own blood or anything. But most schools won't waive the fee under any circumstance.
Grad schools would also like to see transcripts from your undergraduate school. Here at FSC, they demand you pay $5 for every grad school you want a copy of a transcript sent to. Going to apply to ten schools? You're dropping another $50 total for this. Does the grad school want two or three copies? (Some do.) Make sure to add appropriately. You might want someone who's an expert in accounting to get involved soon.
Oh, and don't forget those GRE score reports! $20 for every subject test score report and another $20 for every general test score...so $40 more for every school you're applying to.
Let's play a game! As mentioned before, let's pretend you make the federal minimum wage and work full time. That means, before taxes, you'll make $290 for a week. That equals $1160 a month--again, before taxes. Assuming, once again, that you entirely shaft Uncle Sam on his taxes and just deal with a gross salary, you more or less can expect to spend more than an entire month's salary in the application process--sometimes much more than one month's salary--without any guarantee of being accepted to any school, and no guarantee of bettering your life. But, gee golly whiz, grad schools don't want to hear you crying poor mouth! Like a mob syndicate or a Washington politician, they want to see cash up front before they ever glance at your application.
Don't be a Debbie Downer about it all. How are you going to pay your rent or mortgage? How are you going to pay for your car? How are you going to eat, or have heat or electricity? What am I, Wikipedia or Miss Cleo? I don't have all the answers.
Oh, and if you live in Georgia or Wyoming, two places with a much lower minimum wage than the federal limit, you might want to look into buying cardboard boxes soon. You'll be forking over multiple months of salary in order to apply.
5.) Waiting
Do you have an unedited version of Das Boot hanging around that you've just been dying to watch? Are there some Victor Hugo novels that you've been using as a door stop in your home? Have you been looking to find a random few days where you could make some baklava from scratch?
You're in luck! Grad schools are in no rush to send out those acceptances (maybe) or rejections (likely). Use your free time to think. Use your free time to ponder. Use your free time to question why you didn't just use a lash on your back like that albino monk in The DaVinci Code these past few months. It might be equally as productive as the grad school process.
Then grab another piece of baklava. It's going to be a hell of a wait.
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