Traveling the Friendly Skies (Not!)

Every year I tell myself not to get on a plane(s) during the Thanksgiving holiday. Every year, I somehow do not listen my own excellent advice. This year, I swore I would ignore the pitiful whining of my last remaining parental unit to come to Florida for the holiday. And I quote, "Everyone is dead but you and me..." (This is one of the only legal use of ellipses). Even though this is true, I gave the usual multiple reasons (excuses) for not coming to no avail. "But I'll buy you a ticket!" I knew I was sunk at that point.

Last Monday, I started the trek from Fitchburg to Fort Lauderdale. First, I missed the last train that would get me to the airport on time. Ok, what to do? I know! Hook a ride on the homeless medical van into Boston. Gee, that was so fun. Rattling into North Station, I knew I would have to drop a twenty on a cab to get through security on time.

I finally get to check-in. And find out that it is another $15 to check one bag. Why didn't I know that? Did you know that mousse is a securityrisk? And because I didn't get my boarding pass online, I am stuck in a middle seat. Even better. But the best is yet to come.

I feel like a sardine squished in a can all the way to Atlanta. The kindly flight attendants offer me diet coke and a tiny bag of pretzels filled with salt. Friends, this is NOT commercial airline hospitality. This large dose of sodium chloride is a means of minimizing any trips to the bathroom in flight. I believe it was a plan devised by Homeland Security after 911 in order to prevent the possiblity of bombs in the bathroom at 41,000 feet. My plan was to accomplish work on my computer in flight. After all, the sign says "Free WiFi". Ha! Free WiFi on this airline means a $9 connection fee. Never mind the fact that my laptop is too big to fit on the tray table and the person in front of me has lowered the back of his seat almost completely into my lap.

We land without crashing in Atlanta. It takes over a half hour to deplane. I then realize that my connecting flight is in an entirely different terminal. There I go, knapsack on back filled with books and laptop, sprinting (this is not a pretty sight) across the airport to D Terminal. I barely make my connection wheezing into another sardine can seat. Note to self: Never use the Atlanta airport for a connecting flight! To anywhere! Repeat: Never!

I finally arrive in Fort Lauderdale. It is 80 degrees with 90% humidity. Sigh...wheeze...wheeze...(Another legal use of ellipses). The Rent's friend picks me up at the airport and we call him to let him know our ETA.

And he says, and I quote...(The last legal use of ellipses, I promise)

"You're much too early. Find something to do for an hour."

I solemnly promise myself that next year, I will NOT succumb to the parental whine!

Stephen King = eye candy

When you think of authors/writers, you don't often have the image of "sexy looking." Sure, they might have a sexy brain, a sexy imagination, or a sexy way with words. Yet few writers exist that make people stop and think they're physically sexy.

This is probably why they're writers to begin with. If you're getting by in life on your good looks you're probably not sitting down eight hours a day to write a book. Stephen King isn't going to be asked to model. The only publication he'd be asked to pose for would be American Funeral Director Magazine. (You think I jest. American Funeral Director Magazine does exist. You can find it...here. I don't know about you, but whenever I want a little light reading I know what I'll be kicking back with from now on. Maybe they have a funeral themed soduku puzzle in there, just to keep things lively.)

Of course, this topic annoys people. "Why do writers need to be good looking?? You're shallow!" Simmer down there, Champ. This is just purely conversation. Hey, some people think George Clooney is smart. There are rumors going around that he's good looking, too. So, if actors can be labeled both smart and attractive, why not an author?

Some friends of mine debated this topic, because, yes, we are horribly shallow individuals down deep. No one could conjure up a good looking author off the top of their head. A Google search for "sexy authors" was equally helpful. The very first search result is "Why can't authors be physically sexy?" Apparently this is a popular topic then.

Some people from that search result site suggested the following authors as sexy. (All names are links to photos/wikis of the writer.) Sadly, I think many of those people are afflicted with cataracts.

And the supposedly sexy authors are:

Paul Auster: Ok, so he looks like Gomez Addams from The Addams Family. But I bet he could give Stephen King a run for his money for American Funeral Directors Magazine.

D.H. Lawrence: At the age of 21, Lawrence was baby faced and fresh looking. We writers had potential for an honest-to-god good looking writer to point to. Then by the time he was 40 he looked like he would be holed-up in a Montana shack with a shotgun. So much for that.

Jean Rhys: Generally only two types of photos exist of her for popular opinion: the young ingenue, head cradled in hands, Mona Lisa smile, circa 1915. Or elderly grandma. If sexy can be 80 years old, by all means, we have a winner.

David Foster Wallace: Great if you like the Jesus vibe. Also, Wallace committed suicide, so that's kind of a downer.

Arthur Rimbaud: Fantastic if you like the "robbing the cradle" look. It looks like Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator will be knocking on your door at any moment.

Norman Mailer: He's a popular choice with people as a sexy author from history. Sorry, I can't go with this. He looks like any Florida retiree from Del Boca Vista waiting for The Sizzler to open for the early bird special. You say he was married six times--he had to be hot! I say that was because his wives realized their mistake.

Isabel Allende: Looks like she went to the Danielle Steele school of photography.

Vendela Vida: Poor thing. It would appear she has no facial muscles. She seems incapable of smiling. But if you twist your head upside down and make her perpetual frowns look like she's smiling then it's an improvement.

John Grisham: He'll never get laugh lines with his constant smirking, so that's a plus. I just feel like he knows a secret about me that he isn't telling.

Jhumpa Lahiri: ...annnnnnd she might be our only sure thing.

Oh, who are we kidding. Why deny it and pretend it can't be him?

Stephen King wins. Grr, baby! Grr!

So you want to go to grad school? (Part One)

Congratulations! Because of your dreams (or fickle nature) and determination (or horrible economy) you've decided to apply to grad school. In just a few, easy, hundred steps, you, too, can make it to grad school.

Let's break down the process for you in this easy-to-follow plan!

GRE General Test Overview:

1.) Have you always wanted to feel like a two-bit criminal and revel in the charm of home imprisonment without the pesky need for an ankle bracelet? Well, good news! Registering online for the GRE general test requires endless hours trapped indoors chained to your computer. A Thomas Pynchon novel makes more sense than the GRE website. It's a labyrinth of information that feels like an endless maze with no sure outcome. Kind of like the tv show LOST, except for less good looking people.

2.) Are you struggling to make ends meet? Do the tender pains of malnutrition make you feel lightheaded with excitement? Get ready to feel your rib cage protrude a little bit more, because the GRE general test costs $150 to take. Do mom and dad still love you despite that one year of college that you totally wasted? Have they forgiven those incriminating photos/police arrests/school probations/sobbing late-night phone calls traced back to you? If so, they might be your source for paying the GRE fees.

Have your parents smartened up and disowned you? Or are you poor and working through college on your own? The folks who run the GRE have a "fee reduction" for those who are financially crippled. If you are literally poverty-stricken and on the verge of living in the slums of Calcutta and don't see any Slumdog Millionare opportunities coming your way in the near future--then the GRE folks will be more than happy to allow you to pay only $75 instead. Only $75?! That's right! For the price of two weeks worth of groceries, you, too, can get a miserly discount to take the GRE. That's just like Christmas morning! What a present!

That $75 you just saved? Don't go spending it all on food and any actual life-sustaining things just yet. The good GRE folks will be asking for it later on.

3.) They say the camera adds ten pounds. Get ready to look morbidly obese then, because the GRE test center has more cameras than the paparazzi at a Lindsay Lohan meltdown. You'll be on camera when you fill out forms in the main office...when they take your picture...and during the entire duration of your test. You also get to sit in a small room with windows to an outside office where test proctors stare at you for the entire duration to make sure you're not cheating. It's like being admitted into a mental hospital without any complimentary straight-jackets.

4.) Countdown clocks needn't only be used as a cheap plot device to action movies or for New Year's Eve celebrations. When you're in the midst of taking the GRE general test, feel free to take the optional 10 minute break between the two major portions of the test.

Sure, the computer counts down from 10 minutes until it will automatically continue the test with or without you.

Sure, the bathroom might be 15 minutes away from the testing office.

Sure, you might be blessed with a horrible bladder.

But why not add a little spice to your testing session and see if you can make the mad dash to the bathroom in the 10 minute window? Do some wind sprints and squat thrusts in the weeks leading up to the test. Get that fast-twitch muscle fiber in your thighs to work for your benefit!

5.) Those math classes you avoided and scraped by in college will be useless when it comes to the math portion of the test. Flip a coin to answer the multiple choice questions. Draw straws. Try one-potato, two-potato. Later, when grad schools ask you to defend your meager math score, tell them not to worry. Your math skills are still good enough to make sure you pay your tuition bill on time.

6.) When the GRE computer asks if you want to see your grades instantly at the test's conclusion, debate the merits of such a decision. Realize you don't have to. Realize you can walk away. Realize you're free to start over from scratch.

Realize your curiosity is lethal enough to kill both the cat and your patience, and accept the grades...and get ready for the GRE subject test.



GRE Subject Test Overview:

1.) Do you like money? Does it burn a hole in your pocket? Do you like spending it? You do? Good! Because the GRE folks like your money, too. In fact, they probably like it more than you do. Because they're going to charge you another $130 to take the subject test. That's right. Between the general and subject tests, you'll spend $280.

For comparison's sake, let's say you get paid the federal minimum wage and work 40hrs in a week. Before taxes, you'll make $290. Assuming you stiff Uncle Sam on the taxes, after paying the GRE folks their testing fees, you'll have $10 left. That will pay for at least 10 to 15 packages of Ramen noodles to feed you for the week. If you're still hungry, might I suggest dumpster diving?

2.) Taking the subject test in literature requires only a small effort: covering 1000 years worth of literature that spans the entire world. Thankfully, the Kingdom of Bhutan was a total deadbeat with their literature. They can be ignored.

Of course, the GRE folks casually define "world literature" as literature created only as far east as France, and as far west as Ohio. In reality, the subject test is so xenophobic of world influences that it makes a box of chalk look multicultural by comparison. Asian literature? It never happened. African literature? It only counts if it was written by a visiting European. South American literature? Well, South America already uses the word "America," and that's already being used in the name of the United States of America, so why quibble?

3.) The British literary scene from the years 1000 to 2009 is like that overachiever we all know in college. That person who gets involved in every group, every organization, raises their hand for every question in class, and maintains a 4.0 GPA. That's British literature. They pumped out more novels than Nora Roberts--and sometimes it was even of better quality than Nora, too.

There's poetry, novels, short stories, drama--all from thousands of well-known writers, of which the GRE folks assume you'll know everything about. From Shakespeare's sad addiction to horse racing to Salman Rushdie's strange fascination with pickled beets, every random fact will be covered.

(Note: Neither of those facts are true about Shakespeare or Rushdie---yet. Give me ten minutes with their respective Wikipedia entries and I'll make them true.)

4.) Relive the magic of your childhood use of pencils. The subject test is done on paper, using bubble answer sheets and only wooden #2 pencils. Why not a mechanical pencil? The GRE folks assume you're channeling the spirit of MacGyver and are smuggling an answer sheet in the spring-loaded fire power of your mechanical pencil. As an English major, this is the only time in your life someone will assume you know how some technological gadget works. Take it as a compliment.

5.) Patience is a virtue. Don't pitch a fit over not receiving your grades immediately. Getting the test results are a lot like you taking a literature test at 8am on a Monday: slow, confused, and unlikely to impress.

It takes six weeks for grades to come in.

6.) You know that $75 you saved earlier when you cried poverty? Hopefully you didn't go spending it on any actual life-sustaining nutrition at the grocery store, because the GRE folks would like that money back. Why? Well, in order for many grad schools to actually see your grades, you need to pay the GRE people $20 per school. Sure, the folks at the GRE give you a few "free" schools you can send the grades to as part of your $130 subject test fee. But assuming you're not cockier about your grad school chances than Mick Jagger at a convention full of supermodels, you're going to need to apply to a lot of grad schools. More than just the "free" scores will cover.

Please don't cry. Poverty is only a state of mind. Really. Oprah tells me so.

7.) If you haven't crawled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth over the psychological trauma you've just put yourself through, take a breather before applying to actual grad schools. A good breather. Long, deeply drawn-out breaths. Preferably into a paper bag.

Why?

Grad schools like money, as well. And they won't acknowledge your application's existence until they see some cash first, too.

Have you thought about panhandling yet?

To be continued in part two...