This is part of a continuing series where we examine the codes of conduct at various colleges and universities.
I can't make this stuff up.
Next up:
Boston College
Don't confuse Boston College with Boston University. There's a couple ways to tell the difference.
1.) BC's mascot is an eagle. BU's is a terrier. Put another way, one is a ubiquitous bird mascot. The other is a buggy-eyed dog.
2.) BC's student body is largely made up of Harvard rejects. BU's student body is largely made up Brown rejects. Which is to say, BC's student body is a slightly more pompous group of rejects. That includes me! ((high five!))
3.) BC is a Catholic university. You can tell this by the crucifixes they subtly place in every classroom. It's like a Where's Waldo? moment trying to find them. But they're there.
BU isn't Catholic. You can tell this by their sheer lack of Catholic guilt.
Which brings us to BC's Student Conduct System, which has all the charm of your father beating your bottom with a belt without the visit for ice cream afterward. The System is broken into six subsections, with particular emphasis on Section 4: Community Standards and Policies, and Section 5: Student Conduct System. (My thoughts in parentheses.)
Section 4: Community Standards and Policies:
All student members of the Boston College community have certain rights. These include:
● The right to learn, which includes the right of access to ideas (sounds like someone has been watching too much Tron lately), the right of access to facts and opinions, the right to express ideas (like how convoluted conduct policies are!), and the right to discuss those ideas with others (like in a blog entry!).
● The right of peaceful coexistence (obviously they've never sat in some classes I've been in), which includes the right to be free from violence, force, threats, and abuse, and the right to move about freely (unless you park on campus--then you're not freely leaving until you drop $20 in parking first).
● The right to be free of any action that unduly interferes with a student's rights and/or learning environment. ("Unduly" is vaguespeak. It's an open-ended qualifying word that's usually used by politicians who smile excessively after a two week Crest White Strips binge.)
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This takes us to subsections within the sections of BC's behavioral policy. To say BC's policy is to the point is like saying Dickens was pithy.
SEX:
BC doesn't like to talk about how they ban sex, despite being a Catholic university and all, and that means falling under the umbrella of the Catholic church. You know, Popes and Canon Law and whatnot. This is for two reasons.
1.) BC would be holding student hearings 24/7 over consensual sex if they enforced the rule.
2.) BC is nationally known. They don't want to be a joke like Liberty University.
Put in perspective: BC writes 1,405 words on hazing alone. They write 1,539 words on sexual abuse and harassment. Yet this is all they have to say about their sex ban itself:
Sexual Activity
As a Catholic, Jesuit institution of higher learning, Boston College adheres to the Church's teachings with respect to sexual intimacy. ("Sexual intimacy"? Sounds like an eHarmony ad.) Consequently, sexual union outside the bonds of matrimony may be subject to sanction as conduct unbecoming a Boston College student. ("May be." Which is to say "won't be.") In addition, the University prohibits all forms of sexual violence, coercion, intimidation, and harassment as set forth in the University Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct Policy.
/End Sexual Activity Policy
Sixty-eight words. They dance around the Church's sex ban with as much skill as an awkward 13 year old boy trying to get his first kiss.
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Student Demonstration:
Getting itchy to protest? You better abide by the rules. Or whatever this is:
As an educational institution, Boston College must continue to increase its involvement in the fiber of our society (indeed, fiber is good for heart health and society, too) and encourage its students to become engaged in this effort. A meaningful commitment to society must include the examination of the roots of society and a willingness to challenge aspects of society that are the subject of debate and uncertainty. (I have no idea what they're talking about anymore.) The very nature of such a commitment presupposes the necessity of the presentation of opposing viewpoints and an openness to confrontation between ideas. (You usually only see such convoluted writing in a grad school paper.) The involvement of the University or its students in this process cannot achieve any meaning if the methods of engagement, reason, and dialogue are inhibited or constrained. (Each of these sentences is wordier than an entire Hemingway novel.) No greater injury to the intellectual climate of an academic institution or the academic freedom of its members can occur than the curbing of the free exchange of ideas by imposition of fear or repression. (Why do I picture FDR saying this?) The tactics of intimidation and coercion are never more repugnant than when applied to stifle the reasoned partisanship of opinions. (Possibly the only use of the word "repugnant" on a university website.)
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Dining Hall Violations:
BC lays down the law when it comes to your lunch:
Misappropriation of food and beverages within the dining facilities is a serious matter ("serious"--always good to see things put in perspective) and will be dealt with through the Student Conduct System in an administrative or disciplinary fashion--depending on the nature of the offense or repetitiveness. Actions of an administrative nature will also be taken by Dining Services. (Uhh, potentially, a secretary will sit at her desk and shuffle papers...?)
Misappropriation of food = don't screw around with your peas at dinner.
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Fire-related Mis-Conduct (That is actually how BC spells misconduct in its header. Very 1830s spelling of them...)
Deliberately setting a fire on the campus will be treated as one of the most serious forms of misconduct and will result in immediate suspension from Housing and/or from the University. (But if you spontaneously catch fire, hey, you got bigger fish to fry.) Any conduct having a foreseeable risk that a fire will result is unacceptable, even if no fire is intended or does occur. (Sounds like my dating history.) Lighting a trash fire (BC has hobos?), bonfire, door decorations, or materials on a bulletin board will be treated as deliberate attempts to start a fire. (Yeah, usually setting fires is considered deliberately setting fires. Crazy how that works!)
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Weapons POLICY (Why "policy" is in all caps is a mystery. They're really adement you realize this is a policy I guess.)
Possessing or carrying a firearm, loaded or unloaded, in any building or on the grounds of Boston College without the authorization of the Chief of the Boston College Police is prohibited. (So waving it wildly on the streets of Boston just outside the buildings? Totally cool.)
All implements characterized by Massachusetts state law as "Dangerous Weapons" --e.g., switchblade knives--are also prohibited. (It seems we've time-warped to 1984. Switchblades??)
Prop / Theatrical Weapons
It is unreasonable to expect the Boston College Police or University administrators to be able to distinguish a "stage prop" from a dangerous weapon. (Finger quotes around stage prop. Just go with it. They're not English majors.) Therefore, a consistent policy governing the use and possession of such props has been developed. (Thank goodness. I was up all last night wondering about my Super Soaker 9000 Water Gun.)
If an individual or organization wishes to store weapons on campus, that information must also be submitted to the Boston College Police along with detailed descriptions of the weapons and how they will be secured. (This community theater version of Hamlet is going to be armed to the teeth.) If an individual or organization is bringing weapons onto the campus for legitimate use in a planned activity, the information concerning the use and storage must be submitted to the Boston College Police for approval prior to bringing the weapons on campus. (I think they mostly repeated themselves right there. Really driving the point home.)
To the extent possible, the use of weapons should be restricted to controlled environments. (The whole point of this policy is about when it's not possible, no?) It is unnecessarily dangerous for any person to be seen running across campus with a weapon in pursuit of another person. (Do my smoldering good looks count as a weapon? I'm told they should be criminal. Just saying.) The activity should be contained in a room, floor, or building that is restricted in its use and is properly supervised. (Yes, folks, it should be contained IN A FLOOR.)
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So, in essence, Boston College's Code of Conduct boils down to this:
Eh. Don't ask, don't tell about your sex life with your significant other. Otherwise, keep it in a floor.
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