The Rapture: Parrr---tayyy!

If you haven't heard, God is throwing a killer party tomorrow. According to a variety of religious groups, cults, and psychiatric ward escapees, The Rapture is scheduled for tomorrow evening. It should be a delightful Saturday evening filled with anarchy, pestilence, and great guacamole dip. (Bring the chips!)

But you might want to prep yourself on what it's going to be like. There are books that offer a detailed fictional account of what Rapture will entail. None is quite so popular as the Left Behind series, a book version of the Home Alone movies which has sold 40 million copies--possibly just in Alabama and Texas alone.

What's it about?
(Warning: Plot spoilers! Don't want to ruin the suspense for tomorrow!)

The book details the account of philandering pilot Rayford Steele (sounds like a name from a Skinimax flick) whose flight to London starts having passengers disappear. That's because Rapture started, and, if anything, God understands how lack of leg room on a plane is brutal. A journalist named Buck Williams joins up with the pilot later on, and together comic hijinks ensue!

Or, okay, no hijinks. Because this is The Rapture, and God apparently doesn't have a funny bone. Steele and Williams join up with a few other folks and create something called a Tribulation Force to combat the antichrist that has arrived on Earth. It can only be assumed that the antichrist is a party crasher and a real Debbie Downer for the vibe.

The antichrist in the book is a Romanian named Nicolae Carpathia--whose name alone conjures up swarthy stereotypes that Romanians have spent centuries trying to dispel--who uses the United Nations to establish a one-world government and religion. Because, clearly, history has shown the UN has always been in easy agreement with one another, and Romania is always a beacon of leadership.

What happens beyond that is boring. Except that one major character, a Rabbi, declares Jesus is the Messiah, and then more or less evolves into a Evangelical Baptist minister somehow. Which just goes to show you that watching all those 700 Club episodes can really pay off.

All in all, this version of the Rapture is nothing like I've planned for. I had a good seven-layer dip ready, some bacon wrapped scallops, some cold beers--it was going to be a really enjoyable Rapture at my house. No Romanians whatsoever--although Romanians are welcome (hey, Nadia Comăneci!)--but now Left Behind makes me think this is poor planning. What do Romanians even eat? I'd imagine it's potato-based and served cold, whatever it is. I'll be up all night cooking for this now.