So you want to go to grad school? (Part Three)

Congratulations! Because of your love of literature (or self-flogging) and education (or need of a good laugh) you've made it as an English major into grad school! Now is as good a time as any to learn the ins and outs of fitting in with the grad school culture.

First up: How to speak like a grad student!

Word-A-Day calendars needn't be used for just an office cubicle. Now they can get a second lease on life as a grad student-to-English translation guide.

To be a grad student you MUST use the following words during every class if you want to fit in. Bonus points if you can use them all in a sentence at the same time. (Note: do not high five yourself if you accomplish this. It just looks sad.)

WORDS YOU MUST USE:

a.) anachronistic: (also acceptable: anachronism, anachronically)
    
What it means:
Something or someone that is not in its correct historical or chronological period, especially a thing or person from an earlier time.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does:

Anarchist--as in busting up a Starbucks during a protest while you wear a bandanna across your face, screaming about the injustice over energy prices and health care, while you dig into your hemp bag for a Molotov cocktail to lob at another anarchist by accident.

Why grad students use it:

Because it's five syllables long and easily dropped into just about any conversation about literature. Also, because grad students believe it makes them sound like they've aced the GREs.

Ratio-of-use:

Within 15 minutes of a 2hr+ class someone will use it--sooner if the class is about pre-20th century literature. Within 15 minutes of that initial use, four other students will rapidly fire it off in quick succession to prove, indeed, they passed the GREs, too.

Pretentiousness Scale (scale of 1 to 5):

Four!  Can reasonably be used 10% of the time. The other 90% of the time you just look like you're auditioning to host Masterpiece Theater.

b.) paradigm: (pronounced: PARA-dime, not PARA-dig-em)

What it means:
a set of forms all of which contain a similar element

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does:
"Pair of dimes"--as in, "I'm so broke, all I have to my name is a pair of dimes."

Why grad students use it:
It sounds techy and modern. It's like the iPhone of words. You want to whip it out and make everyone coo at what a pretty word you have.

Ratio-of-use:
It's used by the smartest/most pretentious classmate at least once per class. Three to five other classmates will follow, using it correctly in a sentence only 50% of the time.

Pretentiousness scale:
Five!  Never needs to be used in an English class unless Alex Trabek has shown up to do a little impromptu Jeopardy. "I'll take 'Polysyllabic P-words Potpourri' for $800, Alex."

c.) narrative:

What it means:
A story or account of events, experiences, or the like, whether true or fictitious. A book, literary work, etc., containing such a story.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does:
Narrator. So close, but no.

Why grad students use it:
Anything with letters in it is referred to as "the narrative." A thousand page Dickens book? It's "the narrative." A poem? It's "the narrative." A bibliography? It's "the narrative." A recipe for American Chop Suey? It's "the narrative." A sudoku puzzle? It's "the narrative."

Ratio-of-use:
The narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative narrative...

Pretentiousness scale:
Two!  Legitimately can be used once in awhile. Preferably if that "awhile" isn't every 2.3 seconds.

Little Known Fact: Once you enter grad school, books are no longer books, and stories are no longer stories.

d.) agency:

What it means:
Grad students use the tenth definition listed under "agency" on dictionary.com, which is: the means of exerting power or influence; instrumentality.

What it doesn't mean, but you might think it does:
The FBI, CIA, or some super-secret government organization that is tapping your phones and reading your emails. Don't worry. It still means that, too. But grad students never mean it that way.

Why grad students use it:
They like to dig deep into the definition list to throw classmates for a loop.

Ratio-of-use:
Once a class, maybe. This is usually because many grad students are too busy thumbing through a dictionary looking for the eleventh and twelfth definition for "agency."

Pretentiousness scale:

Five! Somewhere, George Orwell is rolling over in his grave.