The Toolbox

Former professional football player doesn't like being corrected on grammar issues.

2012-01-31T21:00:00.002-05:00

You know when you're on Facebook or Twitter and a friend routinely messes up "your" and "you're"? You know, like the following:

You're dog is so cute!

or

Your so pretty in this picture!

Michael Strahan used to play for the New York Giants. That statement, in and of itself, implies that he probably wasn't Thomas Pynchon with spelling and grammar basics.

Recently, on Twitter, a follower of Strahan's corrected his problems between your/you're. Being a calm, rational, peaceful man becoming of a career decapitating quarterbacks, Strahan went the only logical route: he directly messaged the person and had some advice, as this screen capture from the website Deadspin shows:

Well, at least it seems he knows your shows possession. Now if he can only remember that "dads" shows possession in this case, too, and requires an apostrophe. Yup, even when referring to dad's dick.

photo: Deadspin.com

Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to host Wheel of Fortune sauced.

2012-01-28T01:15:00.004-05:00

In a recent interview with ESPN2, Pat Sajak admits that he used to host Wheel of Fortune tanked.

According to the story, back in the 1980s there would be a couple hours of downtime between tapings of the show in order for the prizes to be rearranged. So, Pat and Vanna hoofed it over to a nearby Mexican restaurant and had a liquid lunch. "Two or three or six" margaritas each, according to Pat. After tying one on, Pat and Vanna would stagger back to the set and host another episode.

Forget Pat. I'm more amazed a Vanna hopped up on the hooch didn't crack an ankle in her stilettos changing letters around. Her liver must be lined with steel.

Veni, vidi, vici: Obama's State of the Union address is written at an 8th grade level.

2012-01-28T01:05:00.004-05:00

The University of Minnesota's Smart Politics blog analyzes everything politics--not the least of which includes the style and grade level of each State of the Union speech given by a president since Franklin Roosevelt. By their measurements (using the Flesch-Kincaid readability scale), President Obama's State of the Union speech the other night was aiming for the pubescent crowd. In fact, all of Obama's SOTU speeches average an 8th grade reading level. Specifically, 8.4. By this standard, it's the worst of any modern president.

How do presidents from the past eighty years rank in grade-level speeches?

Rank          Name                    Grade Level
1.            John F. Kennedy             12.0
2.            Dwight Eisenhower          11.9
3.    Richard Nixon                11.5
4.            Franklin Roosevelt          11.4
5.    Gerald Ford                    11.2
6.    Jimmy Carter                   10.8
7.            Harry Truman                  10.5
8.            Lyndon Johnson              10.4
8.           George W. Bush              10.4
10.          Ronald Regan                10.3
11.          Bill Clinton                       9.5
12. George H.W. Bush           8.6
13.          Barack Obama                8.4

Some reasons for the lower grade levels? The five most recent presidents also have the five lowest scores. Researchers say it could be a matter of the way human beings talk--that, in essence, there's a universal dumbing down of America, and the easiest way for a politician to connect with voters is to talk to them in styles they understand. Put simply (pun intended): we're all dumb, and politicians know this.

On the other hand, researchers say it might just be a matter of the style of speech--that humans (and, by association, sadly, politicians) use shorter, compact sentences for emphasis, whereas 50+ years ago it was uncommon practice to use such speaking style. These sentences are the Danny DeVito of sentences--a lot of action in a little package. (Compact sentence example? Think Caesar: I came, I saw, I conquered. Whatta modern guy that Caesar!)

The real shocking news from this study? That Jimmy Carter talks in the sixth-most educated manner. Don't me wrong--I love me some Jimmy. I just can't listen to him talk and not envision him drawling about peanut farming.

Moby Dick toilet paper.

2012-01-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

An anonymous seller on eBay (unless you count his seller's ID of "The_Heppcat" as a legally binding name) is parting with rolls of 2-ply toilet paper in which the entirety of Moby Dick was meticulously typed out. As interest grows, so does the price. Current starting bid: $995.95.

I couldn't spent that sort of coin on Moby Dick TP. My buttocks deserve worse quality. Now, if Cormac McCarthy or Danzy Senna's books could be typed up on some Charmin, I might be interested.

As a side note for interested parties, The_Heppcat notes that he used Cottonelle. Criticial information for discriminating tastes.

Penn State student editor resigns after reporting Joe Paterno died...hours before he died.

2012-01-23T22:08:00.000-05:00

Nothing's going right for Penn State these days.

Student editor, Devon Edwards, had it on good authority that sickly--and infamous--head coach, Joe Paterno, had lost his quick bout with lung cancer Saturday night. Edwards reported it, via Twitter. (140 characters of reporting gold, baby!)

Except Edwards was a little too eager. Paterno wasn't dead. Yet. Paterno would die hours later. Twitter is faster at things than Nature is.

Well, reporting something too early is sacrilegious in the world of journalism. National media outlets reported Paterno was dead because a Penn State student newspaper said he was dead (it's like a nerdy version of the game Telephone), so once the big boys got involved and were wrong, well, someone's head had to roll. Cue Devon Edwards.

Today, Edwards resigned as editor of Penn State student paper ~~because he assumed people cared~~ ~~because he has a misguided view of how important his paper is~~ because he has journalistic integrity ~~and would like to have a job someday~~.

He might be the only person left at Penn State with some sort of judgment between right and wrong.

Cheez-It Scrabble: for the very literate snacker.

2012-01-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

Somehow, Cheez-Its + Scrabble = corporate synergy.

What the hell's a Scrabble Junior though? According to the Amazon description, it's a Scrabble board pre-printed with words for kids to spell out one letter at a time.

Also known as Scrabble for Math Majors.

Officials at new Utah high school reject nickname of "Cougars" because it might offend middle-aged women.

2012-01-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

True story.

Do penguins have knees?*

2012-01-17T21:54:00.001-05:00

Pudgy birds with obese joints...or knee-less, waddling freaks? Honest question. Also the name of a book I once read, which aimed to answer the curiosities of life.

Slate has their own version of this ("Explainer"), answering everyday questions most of us take for granted. One such question I'm guilty of asking on this site repeatedly over the years as well:

Why are smart people usually ugly?

Usually ugly, not always. Usually. (Lest someone who scored a flawless SAT start complaining they're also a smoke show.) Yet it turns out this way of thinking is all wrong. Wrong by me, by you (damn right I'm involving you in this), and by everyone we associate with.

According to Slate--and, by origination, vast amounts of research--ugly people actually tend to be dumber than good looking people. As if being ugly wasn't already a letdown in life, you're also supposed to be drooling on yourself, too. But Slate points to substantial research, especially one conducted by evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa--who looked to multiple databases covering a total of 38,000 people--and deduced (through examination that's too convoluted to explain briefly here) that good looking people tend to have an IQ 12 points higher than dumb people.

Obviously, this enters a murky gray area. What is beauty if not in the eye of the beholder? Yet, studies have shown that humans subconsciously acknowledge a biologically-based standard of beauty predicated on how symmetrical someone appears. The more symmetrical the more beautiful. (That crooked nose at a 90 degree angle you have from breaking it five times in your youth? It isn't wooing anyone.)

Intelligence is another matter. By and large, all research uses the IQ test as a basis for intelligence, which is mildly flawed. Boiled down, an IQ score is simply a matter of someone's likelihood of being intelligent--not their actual intelligence. One can have an IQ of 140, but never live up to the full potential of a 140 IQ. In theory, you could waste that entire potential and live out an existence no greater than someone with an IQ of 70. (Think: Forrest Gump squeezing every ounce out of his 70 IQ.)

Meanwhile, some researchers argue that IQs only gauge specific types of intelligence, and don't offer a comprehensive view of all the intellectual capabilities of a human being.

That said, there is a caveat to the whole analysis of beauty = intelligent argument, specifically that ugly people, while statistically less intelligent as a group, are also capable of having among the most intelligent individuals. Put another way, for every collection of Forrest Gumps there's an Einstein hidden within the ugly population, Kanazawa's research says.

The grand conclusion to take away from all of this is that intelligent people are probably--probably--better looking, too. Which is to say that Brad Pitt and George Clooney, Halle Berry and Brooklyn Decker are not only gorgeous human beings, they're probably also smarter than all of us, too. No question about it.

*Yes, they do.

Google Maps is a Lord of the Rings fan.

2012-01-11T23:22:00.001-05:00

Google Maps has an Easter Egg sure to make all Lord of the Rings fans get a pants' tent.

Tell Google you want to walk from The Shire to Mordor...and lo and behold, Google has some advice for you and Frodo, as this image shows:

I don't know what a Mordor is. Is that like an Arby's? It sounds like a club in Vegas. Lord of the Rings wasn't something I read as a kid, as my geekdom only went so far as a teenager, and it stopped at Star Wars and an unhealthy preoccupation with reading the World Almanac. I'm lucky women found me attractive at that point. Reading Lord of the Rings would've been like literary pepper spray.

Green Boy Packers: what the Green Giant calls his jeans.

2012-01-10T22:30:00.004-05:00

The Green Bay Packers are a publicly held National Football League team. Recently, for only the fifth time in their 92 year history, they offered 250,000 public shares up for grabs.

This is what the shares looked like:

I'm trademarking that bad boy and making a line of green-hued skinny jeans.

photo: deadspin.com

CNN correspondent wants to remind average Americans they don't make the coin she makes.

2012-01-10T21:53:00.003-05:00

Tonight on CNN--covering the New Hampshire presidential primary which I'm watching because I'm a weak-willed masochist, let's just admit it--correspondent Gloria Borger analyzed the results of Republican candidates.

Ron Paul came in second place overall, and second place amongst people who make $30-50K a year.

Gloria Borger wanted viewers to know that Ron Paul is appealing to college students, and college students make that much money. "They don't make very much," she mused.

$50K for a college student? Which college students are these? Someone selling their eggs? Someone with Rich Uncle Pennybags for a relative? Are they Bill Gates's homely lovechild?

Heads-up, Gloria. Those people who "don't make very much" in America are average Americans. Median household income in 2010: $49,445. That's household. As in everyone working who lives within the same house, added up, and ta-dah! We're all pretty damn poor!

Which is to say, Gloria Borger thinks no matter how old and poor you become, you're a college student.

If my political opinions were a food, they'd be shredded wheat. Not even the frosted shredded wheat either. Just that nasty, no-salt, no-sugar, rectal taste of shredded wheat.

Which is to say my political opinions shouldn't be digested, and odds are I'm not voting for the same suit you will.

Hate the playa, not the game.

2012-01-07T12:25:00.002-05:00

Stephen Hawking was recently asked by New Scientist Magazine what he thinks about most. His reply? "Women. They are a complete mystery."

Proof that even geniuses have sex on the brain. Next we'll hear that Hawking can't get a dependable wifi signal to download porn.

Randomness Corner: Earth

2012-01-07T11:30:00.004-05:00

When I was a little one, a wee lad, I wanted to be an astronaut, as is the stereotype of all boys. (Other stereotypical career paths for little boys: firefighter, police officer, Chuck Norris.)

Except I suck at science. Or, rather, I suck at math, and math is just the homely mistress of science.

So career paths change. Math is brushed aside in favor of books and words and language, and my only liaison with science is to live vicariously through documentaries and Youtube videos, like the one below.

It's a video by a gentleman named Michael Konig. He spliced together an absurd amount of individual photos taken by the International Space Station as it looped around Earth, with those photos showing everything from the Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis to night passes over major metropolises and thunderstorms.

No colors were changed, nothing was added. All he did was fix technical issues (deflickered, denoised, timing issues) and added some musical soundtrack that sounds like a computer having a seizure. Otherwise, Earth is as the Earth was.

The same video on Vimeo.com breaks down what each segment of video is showing, in case you're wondering what the hell you're looking at or trying to find where you live.

Meanwhile, the UK and Ireland are painted in a delightfully miserable Seattle Rainy Gray.

2012-01-04T21:31:00.008-05:00

Strange Maps recently had a variety of maps submitted showing the number of tweets...per country...per language...per specific location within that country, all shown in one of those lovely lit-up nighttime maps.

In essence, the brighter a country (or grayer in some cases), the more it tweets--and each color represents a different language.

In other words, Europe looks like this:

Russia is the surface of the moon, and Moscow is Tranquility Base. Germany, meanwhile, in a time-honored tradition, is invading other countries again, this time with its language. In a surprising turn of events, France and its language haven't receded, as it, too, is equally imperialistic.

What's somewhat curious (to a dweeb like me) is the little yellowing sweat stain on Spain's armpit. That's not a new country between France and Spain--that's just the Catalans in Spain speaking their own language, shunning the national Spanish.

Not shown on these maps? My apathy toward Twitter.

Map: Strange Maps

The New York Times is raising its price to $2.50 per weekday issue.

2012-01-04T06:25:00.003-05:00

All in attempt to screw with your mind after they cancelled everyone's subscriptions last week.

photo: Politico.com

All his closest friends called him Kimmy.

2012-01-03T00:47:00.003-05:00

Dearly departed dictator, Kim Jong-Il, was a humble man. North Korean television (state controlled propaganda or teenage love diary of Kim?--you decide!) released a list of titles they say foreign dignitaries and leaders bestowed upon the honorable and modest Kim.

According to Harper's Magazine, the various titles include:

Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States (ed.: So silky smooth off the tongue.)
Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity
Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century
Best Leader Who Realized Human Wisdom
Leader with Extraordinary Personality
Perfect Picture of Wisdom and Boldness
Eternal Bosom of Hot Love (ed: Also my profile handle on eHarmony.)
Master of Literature, Arts, and Architecture
World’s Best Ideal Leader with Versatile Talents
Humankind’s Greatest Musical Genius
Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World (ed: Steve Jobs and Kim Jong Il: separated at birth.)
Man with Encyclopedic Knowledge
Guardian Deity of the Planet
Heaven-Sent Hero
Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity
Greatest Man Who Ever Lived (ed: Rivers Cuomo is going to want a cut from that title.)
Present-day God
World’s Greatest Writer (ed: Cormac McCarthy and Maya Angelou are going to be pisssssed.)

Book Review: Super Sad True Love Story, by Gary Shteyngart

2012-01-02T22:12:00.006-05:00

[30 pages in]: Okay, a little funny. Fast paced, a bit unique. Lenny is whiny, but I can live with it.

[75 pages in]: Eunice is...unpleasant.

[110 pages in]: "Funny" is now on the side of a milk carton.

[145 pages in]: The last funny guy named Lenny was Lenny Bruce. And he's dead.

[210 pages in]: Is this supposed to be the blending of Fahrenheit 451 and 1984, or just the bastard of a blog entry and a Tiny Tim song?

[265 pages in]: I think Shteyngart is repeating paragraphs.

[266-300 pages in]: Yup, he's repeating paragraphs.

[352 pages in]: Alrighty. Time to place this in one of those book recycling bins.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T14:08:00.001-05:00

Or as the Chinese, Jewish, and Mayan calendars would call it, Sunday.

This Week in Science!!!

2011-12-30T18:34:00.005-05:00

Here's the occasional wrap-up of anything noteworthy in the world of science.

Starting off with--MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Story One:
Space ball lands in Namibia!!!

A metallic ball measuring about 1.1 meters wide landed in a grassland in remote Namibia after plummeting down from space. Locals said they heard small explosions leading up to finding the space ball in a desolate field. Officials notified NASA and the European Space Agency, who are generally noncommittal on what it is.

Man-made? Possibly. Alien invasion? DAMN LIKELY. God help us all.

According to The International Business Times--where I always go to decipher the facts on alien invasions--it might be a fuel tank from a satellite. Who's their expert source? An anonymous commenter to Gawker Media's own story of the space ball who says something along the lines of, "Hey, yo, that looks like a fuel tank to a satellite."

OH! Okay, then. I was worried someone from NASA might lend some insight and sound authoritative. Thank God the source is some anonymous jamoke leaving a comment on a gossip website. Now that's cleared up.

I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords.

Story Two:
Frankincense is doomed!!!

Baby Jesus is going to be stiffed on the gift front from here on out, because frankincense is doomed. According to a study published in the British Journal of Applied Ecology, the population of Boswellia trees (which produce the incense-like frankicense) will probably decrease by 90% within the next 50 years, mostly due to over-forestation, fires, and anything else humankind can do to screw over the Boswellia trees.

Don't worry. Baby Jesus won't even notice the difference if you get him an incense diffuser from Bath & Body Works.

Story Three:
Stephen Hawking wants to hire you!!!

Stephen Hawking (ehhh, look him up if you don't know him; I can't help your ignorance) is looking for someone to maintain the one-of-its-kind computer that generates his synthesized voice.

He posted an ad on his website, and says the job pays £25,000/$38,500 in salary.

That's right--you, too, can have a unique skill and be grossly underpaid. Even with that science degree!

Story Four:
A new island has emerged in the Red Sea!!!

An underwater volcanic eruption has created a new island off Yemen in the Red Sea. Fisherman (who apparently freelance as scientists) reported seeing volcanic activity developing into an island on December 19th. By December 23rd, scientists took satellite photography confirming a smoldering mess bubbling up in the sea.

Newly formed volcanic rock is unstable when buffeted by waves, so many new islands become newly extinct islands overnight, so time will tell if this island remains.

But if that island does hold up, it's going to make for some beautiful waterfront property for vacationing Americans.

Science confirms you're a procrastinator.

2011-12-29T15:26:00.000-05:00

According to the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project, on any random day 53% of Americans between 18-29 go online at some point ~~to look at porn~~ to kill some time. Nothing noble. Just trying to find a reason to ignore friends and family.

As you get older, the less likely you're futzing about. Only 27% of 50-64 years olds are virtually twiddling their thumbs at some point during the day.

Over the age of 65? Only 12% are wasting time online daily. We can only assume the other 88% are napping.

Which is just to say that you're reading this blog because you're bored and/or lonely. I won't acknowledge this though, so let's not speak of this any further.

Randomness Corner: Sting wants you to know he doesn't have a damn clue how to write a song about the environment.

2011-12-28T21:48:00.009-05:00

From the How the hell did you stumble onto that? file, I bring you Sting.com.

Yes, Sting. That Sting. The blonde, middle-aged light rocker best known for his work with The Police and keeping Trudy coming back for more--he has a website. Specifically, a website where he quotes himself everyday for his Quote of the Day.

One of Sting's Quote of the Days from this past week:

We're all marketed in these neat little formats, and that's where misconceptions get formed. There are all these misconceptions about me: that I'm so serious or that if you go to a Sting concert he'll lecture you about ecology and human rights. I've never written a song about ecology in my life. It's far too complicated.

I know what he's saying. People have this misconception that I'm a smartass, that they'll come to this blog and I'll hit them with sarcasm or cynicism.

Not true. I've never written a sarcastic blog post in my life. It's far too simple.

I'm just a jerk.

Which state uses racist language the most?

2011-12-28T21:12:00.000-05:00

According to a study that researched racist words searched on Google, the state that searches for racist language most is West Virginia.

The Top Ten:
1. West Virginia
2. Louisiana
3. Pennsylvania
4. Mississippi
5. Kentucky
6. Michigan
7. Ohio
8. South Carolina
9. Alabama
10. New Jersey*

The only surprise here is Pennsylvania. But, really, go fifteen miles outside Philadelphia and the banjos and overalls crowd pretty much dominates.

*Don't even act surprised about New Jersey in the top ten. All the racist New Yorkers move there. It's one pitchfork away from a John Grisham novel.

New York Times cancels subscriptions to everyone, even people who aren't subscribed.

2011-12-28T19:59:00.001-05:00

The New York Times had a whoopsy today.

They sent an email to 8.6 million people telling them their subscriptions were cancelled. The Times intended to send the email to 300 people. Some of the 8.6 million didn't even have a subscription to the newspaper to begin with.

In other breaking news, I haven't read The New York Times in years. Don't judge me.

2012's Color of the Year: Tangerine Tango

2011-12-27T22:26:00.007-05:00

Something called the Pantone Color Institute (your guess is as good as mine) has come out with their Color of the Year.

The winner: Tangerine Tango.

Disregard for the moment that Pantone selects the color of the year for a year that hasn't happened yet. Small oversight.

According to the Pantone website description:

“Sophisticated but at the same time dramatic and seductive, Tangerine Tango is an orange with a lot of depth to it,” said Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the Pantone Color Institute®.

Thank God, too. I've been so let down lately by unsophisticated, shallow oranges that have no depth. What tramps!

Pantone's Leatrice Eiseman continues:

"Reminiscent of the radiant shadings of a sunset, Tangerine Tango marries the vivaciousness and adrenaline rush of red with the friendliness and warmth of yellow, to form a high-visibility, magnetic hue that emenates heat and energy."

Who doesn't love a wedding? Even a wedding of colors. If only fuchsia and turquoise would stop pussyfooting around and finally tie the knot we'd all be happy, amiright??

Pantone:
"A winner in cosmetics because of its versatility, Tangerine Tango is a bit exotic, but in a very friendly, non-threatening way."

Unlike all those threatening exotic things in life, like Hawaii. And Spam.

Personally, I always thought Miss Piggy was a Fascist.

2011-12-27T01:01:00.001-05:00

Also from the interwebs recently:

Fox Business Network analysts say that The Muppets are communists.

I, for one, have always suspected Elmo of being a commie. Why the red fur, man? Why the hippie love? Why all the sharing??

Says Mr. Corporate Analyst #1:
"It's amazing how far the left will go just to manipulate your kids, to convince them, give the anti-corporate message."

Says Mr Corporate Analyst #2 in reply:
"They've been doing it for decades. Hollywood, the left, the media, they hate the oil industry...They hate corporate America. And so you'll see all these movies attacking it, whether it was 'Cars 2,' which was another kids' movie, the George Clooney movie 'Syriana,' 'There Will Be Blood,' all these movies attacking the oil industry, none of them reminding people what oil means for most people: fuel to light a hospital, heat your home, fuel an ambulance to get you to the hospital if you need that. And they don't want to tell that story."

I know! Why hasn't there been a film about someone fueling up an ambulance?!

Photo: A website called libcom.org. Libcom = libertarian communists. I don't know what that even remotely means, but the photo is cute/serves a purpose.

"AM I BEING LOUDER THAN YOU??" Uh...well...sorry to say...but...

2011-12-27T00:02:00.003-05:00

So this video has been making its way around the interwebs the past few weeks. It shows a student at Cal State Northridge going apes*it because some other students were "breathing loudly."

Which is to say, if you're an asthmatic it's probably best to steer clear of this woman.

Best part of the video is whenever Little Ms. Cranky Pants stomps her feet and charges back to lay down some more vitriol. Preschoolers weep with pride over how masterfully she pulls off the foot-stomp parade.

Shady Song Lyrics: The 78th Annual Christmas/Holiday Edition.

2011-12-24T23:20:00.004-05:00

It's that time of year again when families come together out of obligation and pity to share gifts haphazardly thrown together out of spite.

It's also time for the annual analysis of Christmas/holiday song lyrics, where every bit of sexual innuendo and casual references to weirdness doesn't go unnoticed.

So let's get to it:

Song:   Winter Wonderland
Written by:   Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith
Sung by:   Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith

Nothing is more enjoyable than when someone starts asking questions before I even know them.

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening.

Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?

Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song as we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown.

Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.

He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man!
But you can do the job when you're in town."

Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.

Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.

Song:   Last Christmas
Written by:   George Michael
Sung by:   Wham!

First off, the ratio of hair mousse-to-scalp is off the charts in this video, but that's beside the point.

George Michael brings to light the seedy underbelly of black market organ donation.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.

This sort of logic brings up the problem with gifting. If you give someone something, isn't it their damn right to do what they feel with the gift--be it an ugly sweater or your heart? Maybe that heart had some quality resale value, and was worth some coin the day after Christmas.

This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special.

Ooooh, snap! Them's fightin' words! I think George Michael just insulted someone through expert passive aggression.

Once bitten and twice shy,
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye.
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, if it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me.

How much heroin are you doing that a lover doesn't recognize you a year later?

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes.
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on.
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on.

Possibly the only reference to a "soul of ice" in the history of Christmas song lyrics. It's like a bad sci-fi movie had sex with a Christmas song. So heartwarming!

Song:   Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Written by:   Randy Brooks
Sung By:   Elmo & Patsy (...originally, although now there are horrible remakes of it)

Christmas traditions are always a tender thing. Mistletoe, children opening gifts, and manslaughter--they all make the season feel merry and bright.

She'd been drinking too much egg nog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

I don't know what their recipe for egg nog calls for, but they need to share that with listeners. If it's strong enough to sauce a grandma whose liver is most likely already pickled, that's a needs-to-know kind of situation.

When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Santa didn't just accidentally sideswipe her with his sleigh. There are Claus marks (?) on her back, which is pretty damning evidence if you ask me. It's suggestive that--after the reindeer pummeled her--the fat man got out of his sleigh and went full Ed Norton in American History X on grandma.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

I don't know what Santa's sexual kinks should have to do his getting a license. If the man plays a little slap-and-tickle with an elf, so be it. To each their own.

Song: One Little Christmas Tree
Written by: Ron Miller and Bryan Wells
Sung by: Stevie Wonder

The key to a pleasant Christmas song is to make sure you paint a scene of desperation.

One little Christmas tree was standing alone,
Waiting for someone to come by.
One little Christmas Tree that never had grown
Cried as he looked up to the sky.

Isolation? Check. An onset of depression? Check.

Please continue:

Oh, please Mr. Father Tree, the tallest of all,
I'm so afraid and all alone,
Could one little Christmas tree so tiny and small
Light up someone's home?

Now this is just getting creepy. Did the tree just ask to die? I think he did. Can trees be suicidal? Can they be put on suicide watch? What does someone do here? Can trees call the Samaritans?

I don't know. I'm so confused. So damn horribly confused. Since when could a tree talk, nevermind need its shoelaces and belt taken away from it?

James Franco is like me when I was five. In kindergarten. Eating paste in a corner.

2011-12-21T23:16:00.001-05:00

James Franco is a Big Hollywood Actor. He was in the recent Spiderman movies playing the famous villain WhatHisName SomethingOrAnother. A timeless character, really, in that it took no time to forget him.

Anyway, Franco is a grad student at NYU's Tisch School of Arts, where he's receiving the occasional D grade in acting classes. Specifically, "Directing the Actor II," taught by Prof. Jose Angel Santana. Santana sounds like a stick in the mud with the grading until you realize Franco missed 12 of 14 classes. Possibly, "Directing the Actor II" deals with the diva who doesn't want to leave the trailer all day on set. If so, Franco = best student ever.

The NYU folks didn't appreciate Santana being a realist, so they fired him in order to make sure Franco understood real education and effort wasn't required at NYU. This sort of irked Santana because, you know, he was only doing his job and Franco isn't Brando after all. He's not even John Denver yet.

So two great American traits are coming together for our entertainment: laziness and litigation. Franco's laziness is leading to Santana's litigation. Now, if they could just make a reality show out of this, the circle would be complete.

Book Review: Caucasia, by Danzy Senna

2011-12-13T22:15:00.003-05:00

This is part of the continuing series of random book reviews that'll be nothing like a New York Times book review. Gone is the ten thousand word analysis. Instead, here is a book review like you'd tell your friends.

The book: Danzy Senna's Caucasia.

So Senna writes her own life, fictionalizes 5% of it, adds an addicted retail/consumer/commodification tick to her writing style, all under the guise of racial identity in America--and it's mind-blowing to people.

Put another way, Caucasia's writing style is the illegitimate love child of an 8th grade poetry class and a Walmart commercial.

I've seen better symbolism and metaphorical imagery in the short stories of a 10 year old girl hopped-up on Beiber.

Man, I sound bitter up there, don't I? I mean, don't get me wrong--I hate the book. It somehow makes Cormac McCarthy look decisive by comparison. But my tone comes across a little rough, doesn't it? Do me a favor and read the review to yourself again in a chipper, upbeat tone. Now it sounds like I just hate the book--but with a certain delightfulness, right?

Amnesty International to release 76 Bob Dylan cover songs in honor of its own anniversary.

2011-12-12T00:50:00.001-05:00

Good God. The world hasn't seen torture on poor people this bad since Kim Jong Il starved half his country to death.

In case you've got $325 to burn on something to hold your pack of gum.

2011-12-10T22:00:00.009-05:00

Kate Spade makes bags and stuff. Stuff my Y chromosome doesn't appreciate fully.

But she makes some stuff that looks like this:

Or like this:

And this...

And...

The real irony here is that the only people who've read those books are too poor to afford those purses. But that's why bankruptcy exists. The commercial on the radio with the official sounding lawyer told me so.

Effin: It's a state of mind.

2011-12-09T23:23:00.003-05:00

Proper nouns are funny things. They can be completely harmless, but scare the hell out of corporations. Take Facebook, which doesn't much care if you grew up in a small village in Ireland called Effin--they think you're being vulgar.

Effin right.

According to Forbes, big business is having trouble playing Grammar Police. They're so afraid of offending people that they immediately assume you're being a flippant little bugger by saying you live in Effin, County Limerick, Ireland, and ban you from using it.

I don't know what this means if you live in Intercourse, PA. It's not Effin, but then again few things are.

English professor has a whoops moment.

2011-12-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

Jason Cohen isn't a fan of tequila. Or, rather, he isn't a fan of TeQuilla, a similarly sounding name to the booze, and also one of Cohen's students at Barea College where he teaches. (Homophones are fun!)

It seems Cohen has a Twitter account and posted the following message:

"Given a student named TeQuilla, are my worst assumptions unavoidable? #s—tmystudentsmakemethink that at the end of the semester, I'm right."

I've had some of my most lucid thinking when enjoying Mexico's finest export, so maybe not. But that's a whoopsy on Cohen's part, because someone found out and tattle-taled. Now Cohen is backpedaling and apologizing like a politician.

This is why I don't use Twitter. If I'm going to offend people, I make sure to develop an overly-wordy and all-encompassing offensive opinion that has the potential to really ruin me. All-in, baby!

Students at College of William & Mary are studious and/or bored.

2011-12-08T00:44:00.001-05:00

Depending on the quality of student, finals week means...

1.) Lots of studying.

2.) Lots of holiday shopping.

3.) Figuring out ways to burn some time until you can go home for winter break.

At The College of William and Mary*, students enjoy blending all three, by reenacting Black Friday hoard-crushing shenanigans with all the nobleness of pretending they want to study--all in an attempt to kill a few hours because they're lonely. (It's William and Mary, you know?)

According to Gawker, apparently students mass by the hundreds (thousands?) outside their main library waiting for the doors to be unlocked so they can stampede Pamplona bull style--crushing smaller, weaker students into a bloody pulp of lower intellect, all for the sake of getting primo study seats inside the library.

I can only assume the alternative for students was to sit in a dorm room with the freaky roommate that smells of methane and has an unhealthy addiction to Japanese anime.

*Really, who named this school? Yoda? Why is it backwards? Maybe--MAYBE--I'd give a pass to such a name if the school was Oxford or Harvard based on pretentiousness alone. But whosa whatsa William and Mary? What if we changed the names to College of Bubba and Shirley? Sounds classy to me.

(Not so) Shady Song Lyrics: Early Holiday Edition.

2011-12-07T00:16:00.000-05:00

The annual examination of shady Christmas/holiday songs is coming up in the next week or so.

In the meantime, The Killers have continued their own annual tradition, having just released their yearly Christmas song. ("The Killers do a-what-now?" I know, I know. Way ahead of you.)

What makes this song noteworthy? The lyrics are based almost entirely on the 1890 poem "Cowboy's Christmas Ball," by a fairly unknown western frontiersman-poet William Lawrence Chittenden. (Poem can be found here. The song lyrics are pulled in chunks from all six girthy verses. The song would be 45 minutes long otherwise.)

Not gonna lie--kinda like it. This oddly shames me, like I have bad taste in couches or lawn ornaments.

74 year old professor at Boston University and Suffolk University arrested for running a meth lab.

2011-12-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

Seventy-four years old, too! You might think she was smuggling prescription diabetes meds or something at that age. But, no. She's running a meth den. Some grandmas hand out a Werther's Original. Others hand out meth. To each their own.

Irina Kristy is her name, and she teaches math at both BU and Suffolk. Apparently teaching math doesn't take up as much time as you'd assume, because she's allegedly cooking up batches of meth in her Somerville, MA, home.

According to reviews on RateMyProfessors.com, she's a toss-up:

Her grading is pretty good, however, no one can understand what she is talking about...

NEVER TAKE A CLASS WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT it is a waste of your time!! [...] You don't know what she is ever saying and she looks confused on stuff all the time.

this lady has lost her cool

Well, hey, you don't want to market a homemade product without testing the quality first, right?

I, for one, have never been in a car accident.

2011-12-04T01:14:00.003-05:00

Awhile ago, a website called Pleated-Jeans created a map of the United States showing something every individual state is worst at. Each state, according to Pleated-Jeans' research, is the worst at whatever they're labeled with.

Are some of these actually bad though? Ohio is "the nerdiest state"--which just means everyone goes to college for engineering and will have a six-figure salary soon.

By comparison, Maine is supposed to be the dumbest. As a fellow New Englander with traveling experiences in Maine, that seems entirely plausible. Having a conversation with some folks there requires pictograms and lots of hand gesturing.

Meanwhile, Massachusetts has the worst drivers, while Wyoming has the most fatal car crashes. Those two facts seem to negate one another, no? I would think that having the most fatal car crashes pretty much equals having the worst drivers, too. Sure, people from Massachusetts might be driving 40mph over the speed limit, but damned if we don't know how to avoid turning pedestrians into speed bumps.

Randomness Corner: Dog Disco

2011-12-01T23:26:00.003-05:00

Welcome to Randomness Corner, where we'll post something that has little to do with writing/books/English/education...if only for our collective sanity.

Today: Dog Disco.

Do we really need to define what's going on here? It's like a bizarro Saturday Night Fever. Swap out John Travolta for a springer spaniel, and you get the idea.

Grammy Award Nominees 2012: Spoken Word Category

2011-12-01T22:01:00.001-05:00

Also known as audio books.

And the nominees announced today are (ooh, the ~~boredom!~~ excitement!)...

1.) Bossypants

     Tina Fey

2.) Fab Fan Memories -- The Beatles Bond

     (Various Artists)

3.) Hamlet (William Shakespeare)

     Oregon Shakespeare Festival

4.) If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won't)

     Betty White

5.) The Mark of Zorro

     Val Kilmer & Cast

To show you how popular some of these audio books are, The Beatles nominee has one customer review on Amazon (and is ranked #290,313 overall in music sales). That's one review more than the Shakespeare nominee (#157,353 in book sales). Zorro at least has six reviews (but is ranked #192,430 in book sales).

You just know Betty White is taking this. She's unstoppable. Don't let osteoporosis and low calcium levels fool you.

Massachusetts teacher was once...errr...he was once...uhh...how do I say this?

2011-12-01T12:47:00.001-05:00

Kevin Hogan is a teacher at a Malden, MA, charter school. The local Fox News affiliate found out from a tip that Hogan acted in a few gay pornography movies in his past.

Teacher?

Porn?

Gay??

Film at 11!!!

Or breaking news at 6pm, specifically. Fox News Boston did their best Gotcha Journalism impersonation on their 6pm newscast last night and ran up to Hogan, video camera in tow, asking about his past.

Now, everyone is up in arms that a teacher was once employed in a different career field altogether. The mayor-elect of Malden is happy that Hogan has been put on paid administrative leave, people are flustered, and some parents at the school where Hogan teaches are outraged.

According to Fox News Boston, no student or parent complained about Hogan. Indeed, it was a random, anonymous viewer who called in to report Hogan after viewing gay porn movies in which they thought they recognized him, and suddenly became concerned he was teaching.

Call me a pinko Commie, but what's the beef here? Parents and students alike said Hogan never mentioned his past, never acted inappropriately, and by all standards was a great teacher. Now, likely, Hogan will lose his job as a teacher, probably never attain another teaching position, and largely have his career path snuffed out because of a past life decision.

Doesn't it seem like the real oddity here is that a concerned viewer calls a news station after obsessively watching the same "alternative" entertainment choice which somehow instills panic in them when it shows a teacher? Pot = kettle, no? Shouldn't a camera crew show up at this viewer's job and ask if they watch gay porn and what that says about them? Is this viewer incapable of working at their job because they enjoy such an activity?

Don't worry, reader. I don't care what you've done in your past. And I won't show up with a video camera asking you about it either.

*I don't know what the photo of Mr. Happy on the beach is supposed to mean. What kind of photo do you post to a story like this? Any other photo will offend someone on either side of the argument. So Mr. Happy it is.

Monty Python is an acquired taste.

2011-12-01T02:19:00.002-05:00

People who read The New Yorker usually have a man servant named Jeeves, a son named Ambrose, and a summer home on the Vineyard with an ocean view and a property tax bill higher than you and I make combined in salary.

So consider me weirded out to see a friend forward me a story from The New Yorker website. I always assumed this friend was scraping to get by. Ramen noodle meals? No cable? Sneakers with holes in the soles? Lie, lie, lie.

Anyway, Michael Palin (or Eric Idle, I can't tell, really) from Monty Python fame wrote a quick funny-ha-ha about alternative scholarship. Who actually wrote Shakespeare's work? Who wrote Christopher Marlowe's? Who wrote anything?

Damned if I know. We're all so confused now by alternative scholarship ("Shakespeare was actually written by Bob the Butcher, from Westminster, circa 1603!") that I can only surmise this blog entry was written by a woman named Joanne who spends her days in a knitting circle.

I prefer "loo" myself.

2011-11-29T02:02:00.003-05:00

You know when you're a teenager--preferably misshapen, socially awkward, and full of quality acne--and you fall into a new group of friends, how over time you begin talking like them?

Usually it's for the worst. Lots of "likes" and "you knows." If you're from within ten miles of Boston, you inherently say "wicked" regardless if it's applicable. If you're in grad school, you start every statement with "What I found interesting..." regardless if it's actually interesting.

Well, The Economist (oh, yeah, I'm brainy) had a piece recently on Americanisms that have burrowed into British culture.

Cases in point:

a.) "Sidewalk" is in. "Pavement" is hitting the road. [woo-hoo, puns!]

Note: Adele is chasing sidewalks now.

b.) "Apartment" growing in popularity at the expense of "flat."

This is disappointing to learn. No matter what kind of a scabies-infested cesspool roach den you lived in, if you referred to it as a flat people were bamboozled into believing you lived somewhere modern and edgy.

c.) "Vacation" is nearly as popular as "holiday."

Again, sad. Who doesn't love a holiday, no matter what kind? Vacations are just a variation on vacate--and the only things that should be vacated are meth dens and math classes.

d.) The American "I'm good" is gaining on the British "I'm well."

Sigh. This is the worst thing to happen to British English since Madonna.

Take the 3rd exit off the roundabout, drive past the YMCA homage and killer turkey video, and it'll be the first blog on the right.

2011-11-26T01:00:00.002-05:00

Time for another check-in on words and phrases people are using on search engines to find The Toolbox. According to Google, these search terms were used within the last 24hrs:

1.) froot loops france

We're very big with French cereal aficionados.

2.) frosty the snowman metaphor

The word is finally spreading: Frosty is a drug dealer on the lam.

3.) preppy clothes

Pocket squares optional here.

4.) chipotle burrito size

American.

5.) i want you

Get in line.

Payback, turkey style.

2011-11-24T09:17:00.004-05:00

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, forty-five million turkeys will be sold, cooked, and tasting delicious across America today.

So turkeys need vengeance whenever they can get it--like on this suburban mom and son. At about the 0:48 mark the son is scooped up by mom and she runs off camera to screams, and suddenly this turns into a Hitchcockian drama:

Talkin' Turkey

2011-11-23T22:26:00.002-05:00

When people mention 1970's television, I imagine television that's full of warm brown and orange tones. Think: All in the Family, The Jeffersons, The Partridge Family. Shag orange carpeting should be required. Bell-bottoms optional.

But here's Walter Cronkite hosting an edition of the CBS Evening News on November 13, 1972, which, based on film quality, looks pulled from a 1938 time capsule.

Why does it matter? Because it's about Cuero, TX, and their annual Turkey Trot, as told by Charles Kuralt.

Let's revisit Thanksgiving during a simpler time, when watching television made you feel like you had cataracts.

'Atlas Shrugged' film producers apparently never read the book.

2011-11-22T23:10:00.003-05:00

Film producers of an 'Atlas Shrugged' film are recalling 100,000 DVDs because the film is described on the cover as a story of "self-sacrifice."

In case you don't know, Ayn Rand's personal philosophy--explored in 'Atlas Shrugged'--is generally about stabbing as many people in the back as is reasonably possible in a lifetime.

In other words, not how Mother Teresa lived.

Newt Gingrich says poor students should clean their schools.

2011-11-21T23:58:00.001-05:00

Well, thank God. I was worried the cycle of lower class humiliation would continue.

Maryland college cruises to a solution.

2011-11-20T01:00:00.001-05:00

(((rim shot)))

Short story:
So heavy rains led to heavy mold in a variety of dorms at St. Mary's College of Maryland. And heavy mold led to unlivable conditions for students.

Solution option #1:
St. Mary's paid for hotels. Students inevitably start rapping, Mo--tel, ho--tel, Holiday Inn!

But hotels were far away for the remote college, and were fairly pricey.

Solution option #2:
Charter a cruise ship to dock sort-of, kind-of nearby and house students there.

That was pricey, but less pricey.

Ultimate solution:
Students stay at docked cruise ship and walk to class every day. Their laundry is done for them by ship's staff. School crafts agreement with cruise company that piano player, lounge act, and all-inclusive meals are not required.

Interesting side note #1:
Some students enjoy the laundry perk. According to Andy VanDeusen, a biology major, "It's wild. It's much more frequent than I wash my linens." In unrelated news, women have commented that Mr. VanDeusen's "man essence" smell is not nearly as attractive as he'd like you to believe.

Interesting side note #2:
Some students are pulling a Leo Dicaprio-in-Titanic role and are assigned rooms below decks, with no carpeting, no windows, and metal lockers.

I bet those future alumni checks will be huuuuge.

Quibble No. 5: Chu/You

2011-11-19T22:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Usher,

Unless you know a lovely Asian woman, last name "Chu," whom you miss dearly, the song lyric is pronounced "without you."

Thanks!
--An English Major.

Charles Kuralt on a pumpkin festival.

2011-11-19T05:18:00.000-05:00

(Someone I know--who overheard me from afar watching these videos--said, "I don't know what you're watching, but it sounds boring as (expletive deleted, rhymes with pit)." I get it. There's an old, borderline senile man inside my grad school body. I was born in the wrong decade. All I'm saying is that if your grandmother met me, she probably would love me more than you. For good reason.)

Here's Kuralt on two brothers, a pumpkin patch, and thousands of school children.

I don't even like kids, and Kuralt makes this enjoyable.

It's probably the pumpkins.

Old Dead Men Giving Essays: Charles Kuralt Edition

2011-11-19T00:19:00.002-05:00

Who was Charles Kuralt?

He was the folksy stand-in of an uncle that told an affecting story. His skill was writing televised essays for CBS News, kind of like Andy Rooney did--except less grouchy and more sentimental. Rooney spoke with his liver while Kuralt spoke with his heart. Rooney spoke from his office while Kuralt spoke from the road. Rooney instigated. Kuralt motivated.

With Thanksgiving next week, here's Kuralt's 1978 report of a poor, rural family from Mississippi that had something to be thankful for:

California college professor walks out of class when students don't supply snacks.

2011-11-17T00:30:00.007-05:00

George Parrot is a professor, and he has priorities. Teaching is his second priority. Snacktime is his first.

George is a psych professor at Cal State, Sacremento--the northern California doppelganger of Fitchburg State. As part of his requirements, students take turns supplying snacks to the entire lecture hall. No snacks = no George. He walks out and refuses to teach--which is what he did to a class recently when no snacks were supplied.

Not just any snacks, too. George wants fruit and veggie platters or homemade baked goods. Nabisco products and pre-packaged products might warrant him leaving class, according to his syllabus.

On the plus side, George says he does this because...
1.) It creates team building. (Meaning everyone hates the kid who brought the baby carrot snack platter.)
2.) It stops students from being sleepy in class. (Sugar rush!!!! Wooooo!!!!)
3.) He doesn't require a $200 textbook.

No $200 textbook sounds appealing...until you spend $300 on a veggie plate from Whole Foods. I bet you need hummus or some french onion dip, too. Maybe a nice cheese spread. Probably some drinks, napkins, plates, too.

Sounds like George has Harvard tastes on a Cal Sate budget.

Travel & Leisure wants you to know what towns to avoid.

2011-11-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

College towns are great if you're a college student. They're not so great if you're just a local who lives there.

I was once a local who lived in such a town, born and raised. It's great when tens of thousands of people under the age of 25 congregate in one location and spend the next four years devaluing local property values. Shirtless, listening to Linkin Park on 40,000 watt speakers at 2am, where every weeknight becomes Keg Stand Night--all because mom and dad begged them to attend college somewhere 2,000 miles away.

Yeah. College towns are precious when you're a local. Downright dreamy.

So, good news! Travel & Leisure has a list of the "best" college towns--from Oxford, MS, to Burlington, VT--where I can only surmise the locals sob quietly to themselves whenever September rolls around.

Gay penguins can love each other soon. Just after they act straight for awhile.

2011-11-14T23:13:00.001-05:00

A year and a half ago, I noted a list of books banned most often--including a children's book about two gay penguins. That book was based on a true story.

Well, it turns out gay penguins are more common than anyone assumed. Naturally.

The Toronto Zoo has two male penguins who enjoy a little male bonding. And by male bonding I mean lusty evenings that turn into wedding shower gift lists at Pottery Barn and Crate & Barrel.

But the Toronto Zoo is homophobic. Or at least trying to increase endangered penguin populations--and last they checked, gay penguin adoptions were few and far between. So the Toronto Zoo tore the gay penguin lovers apart--and refuse to let them back together until they get busy with female penguins in one experimental night of misguided sex. Then, and only then, will the Toronto Zoo allow these gay penguin lovers back together.

And to think...I always thought Canada was more open to penguins.

Nigerian newborn has a diploma and makes $150 a month.

2011-11-13T23:34:00.000-05:00

He's been making $150 since before he was born.

Some say it's Nigerian corruption run amuck.

Others say Nigerian fetuses are just whizzes at math.

Circles of influences, which is more like a disjointed highway map.

2011-11-12T00:14:00.001-05:00

A magazine called The Longshot had this drawing floating around lately about the circles of influences with literature/philosophy/Moby*.

Other than forgetting me and Jackie Collins, it looks about right.

*Yeah. Moby. Because beats-heavy tecnho is timeless.

Any Shakespeare movie < potential Marlowe movie

2011-11-10T00:23:00.000-05:00

I like to think Christopher Marlowe was fun. For those non-English majors, Marlowe was a poor man's Shakespeare. Picture Shakespeare after a few cocktails when the self-editing button between the brain and mouth goes haywire.

First, Marlowe annoyed higher-ups and was ordered to report to the Privy Council for heretical concepts. Then he was stabbed to death under mysterious circumstances--which is always a sign of an interesting fella. Unsolved manslaughter = a fun time. Sounds like a good movie.

But he wasn't Shakespeare--which is to say...eh, overdone. Now there's a movie about Shakespeare called Anonymous, which revisits the idea that Shakespeare didn't actually write any of Shakespeare's works. This idea really irks some folks in Britain, who taped over various road signs referencing the Bard as an act of protest against the movie's premise.

Yeah.

That'll show 'em.

Side note:
Is that a bear moseying around upright using a walking stick? It looks like a green, nude Winnie the Pooh. Are there many nude Winnie the Poohs in Warwickshire? Are they all serious hikers? Why isn't this promoted more in the county?

Photo: BBC

Harvard University newspaper exposé reveals truth why students are combing Facebook during class.

2011-11-09T22:31:00.001-05:00

Ummm...

...in short, because they're easily distracted. Lookie! A status update about adorable puppies!

No, really, the newspaper examined why students were on Facebook instead of paying attention to their "distinguished professors," and treated it as as seriously as asking why fat kids eat cake. As a former fat kid who ate cake, I can tell you fat kids eat cake because cake is delicious and full of delicious sugar and fatty goodness. Much like Facebook.

Prof or Hobo?

2011-11-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

Grad School Grunge afflicts thousands of male grad students (and the occasional female). Symptoms of Grad School Grunge are a lack of shaving, a slovenly appearance, and a delightful tendency to forget deodorant.

As a grad student, I can report I occasionally sport a beard that would win fans among the rural hermits in Montana, with a clothing style channeling the spirit of David Bowie after a bad bender in the Soho district, circa 1974. Deodorant and I are still tight though.

Grad students occasionally become professors. Which is why someone at the University of Toronto created a quiz called Prof or Hobo?

The easiest way to tell the difference in person? Do they mumble nearly indecipherable gibberish about the good ol' days with a tear in their eye? They're probably a professor then.

photo: utoronto.ca

Andy Rooney on art: "A writer ought to be able to write simple sentences before he tries to be a poet."

2011-11-05T21:30:00.002-04:00

An old man isn't a fan of modern art! Because it's a stereotype! Because he's old! And modern art is weird! So he hates it! Get it? Get it??

Except, really, he's right. At least to me.

Once I visited Boston's ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art), and there was a wooden pallet on the ground--the kind you see in the back rooms of warehouses and grocery stores. The pallet had mirrors inside it. I was told that it represented a look inside the commerce of America--a reflection of the empty production of our society--the misguided economic policies of capitalism--the starvation of the consumer who could only look at themselves after they stripped everything that shipped on that pallet.

But all I saw was a gussied-up pallet.

Yeah, yeah, more Andy Rooney.

2011-11-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

CBS News doesn't allow you to embed their YouTube videos into blogs, for what I assume is their attempt to kill any popular attraction to news. This means I get to use uploads from news junkies who apparently recorded 60 Minutes on Betamax. (tracking...tracking...)

Here's Andy Rooney's take from 1996 on magazines and their obsession with numbered lists.

These videos remind me of how good 60 Minutes was at its peak. Mike Wallace, Ed Bradley, Morley Safer, Harry Reasoner, Lesley Stahl. I don't expect you to know any of these people--that's because my soul found a fissure in the space-time continuum and is actually from 1947. But those people weren't creampuff bottle blondes or Grade A American Man Meat news anchors (hell, Morley Safer looks like he's made of wax and was left out in the sun too long), but they really could do a news piece.

Put another way: if Mike Wallace or Ed Bradley showed up at your front door for an interview, that was a sign you'd end up in jail within six months.

Andy Rooney, 1919-2011

2011-11-05T09:51:00.003-04:00

Damn you, retirement! Your penchant for death has taken another elderly writer!

Thank God I have enough student loan debt to keep me working well past 150 years of age.

As it is, here were Andy's thoughts on birthdays and growing old from 2005:

Shady Song Lyrics: Taylor Swift Edition

2011-11-04T23:32:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since we did this.

So let's hit up examining the song lyrics of Taylor Swift, for no other reason than I'm fairly certain she's ten years of hard living away from turning into Wynonna Judd.

Song: Love Story
Written By: Taylor Swift

William Shakespeare and Taylor Swift have very different interpretations of the whole Romeo & Juliet storyline. Surprising, I know, but Taylor's involves less bloodshed, while Bill's lacks an MTV appeal to 15 year old girls.

That you were Romeo, that you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet."

Can you blame her dad for his griping? Who throws rocks at glass unless they're a hoodlum? Have you seen the price of windows? Triple-pane windows = $$$. Plus, who's paying the medical bills once Taylor's retina is busted from a shard of glass? Not Romeo, that's who.

And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said:
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting all we have to do is run.

"Take me somewhere we can be alone"? Hmmmm... ((pssst: I think she means the hubba-hubba, if you catch my drift.))

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you is fading,
When I met you on the outskirts of town.

I think a drug deal is going down. My affinity to bad Hollywood movies tells me this is how it happens. Usually with railroad yards, derelict buildings, with a pack of hungry dobermans nearby. It's also good to see a young woman decide to meet a man she barely knows in deserted areas. Sounds safe to me. Maybe she met him on Craigslist!

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone,
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring.

Best way to stop someone from pestering you with questions? Just propose marriage. It always works. Does she love you? She'll start sobbing. Does she barely know you? She'll be creeped out.

...marry me, Juliet,
You'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story. Baby, just say yes.

So old-fashiony! Nothing says romance quite like proposing marriage in the empty parking lot of a 7-11. And after he chatted with Daddy, too! Maybe Pops will buy them a Slurpee as an engagement gift.

Song: Our Song
Written By: Taylor Swift

Whenever I'm in a car and someone turns the radio down, it's usually because they're telling me they have a terminal illness or they lost the rent money gambling on the ponies.

But when Taylor turns the radio down she wants to tell you something important.

I look around, turn the radio down,
He says, "Baby, is something wrong?"
I say, "Nothing. I was just thinking
How we don't have a song."

Because I know when I'm looking for a song to share with my lover I look out the window of a speeding car. This is because the song won't be found on the radio--but it might be in a ditch. Or hitchhiking. Do you know how many Willie Nelson song's hitchhike? All of them. You need to keep a lookout for them.

Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneaking out late, tapping on your window.
When we're on the phone and you talk reeeaal slow,
'Cause it's late and your momma don't know.

I'm concerned about anyone who talks reeeeal slow. (We'll forget that "slow" should be an adverb here.) Slow talking is usually the sign of a dangerous person. Think Hannibal Lecter or Maya Angelou.

And what's with more late night shenanigans? Apparently Taylor's mom and dad finally talked about not throwing rocks at windows any longer. We're down to tapping now. Progress, people! Progress!

Our song is the way he laughs.
The first date, man, I didn't kiss him and I should have.
And when I got home, 'fore I said Amen,
Asking God if He could play it again.

So God moonlights as a DJ, taking requests. "Whaddup, people! It's your #1 DJ, God, hanging out with you here on WHVN, playing only eternity's greatest hits. When we come back from break I'm going to hit you with the new Bieber, a little something from Nicki Minaj, as well as a special late-night request going out to a Taylor who just prayed it in. All of that's on the way, so don't you change that dial."

Song: Teardrops On My Guitar
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose

I would think that liquid would damage the varnish on an instrument, although I admit my knowledge of instrument shellack is pretty limited.

Drew looks at me.
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be.

Who's Drew? Drew Carey? That's the only Drew I can think of off-hand that's not Drew Barrymore. Considering how many guys Taylor Swift's been linked to, I think she's probably only left dating former comedians/late morning game show hosts.

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about,
And she's got everything
That I have to live without.

I take away from this that Drew Carey is shunning Taylor Swift in order to date one of Barker's Beauties. (Are they still called Barker's Beauties even though Bob Barker retired? Are they renamed now? Maybe Carey's Cuties? If they're not, I demand this change.)

Drew talks to me.
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny.
I can't even see
Anyone when he's wit me.

Well, he is a former comedian. I hope he's good for a chuckle. How funny he actually is might be a matter of debate. I like to think Rod Roddy's sequined outfits on The Price Is Right were funnier than most Drew Carey comedy routines.

Drew walks by me.
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be.

Is she having an asthma attack? Is it an allergic reaction to his comedy? Someone needs to get her an inhaler, stat. She clearly isn't flawless though, as she has inferior lungs that are susceptible to the come-hither glances of pudgy comedians.

Song: You Belong with Me
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose

There's nothing I enjoy more in music than catty tendencies popping up in an upbeat song.

You're on the phone with your girlfriend. She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said.
She doesn't get your humor like I do.

"So a priest, a rabbi, and Hitler walk into a bar. Wait--why you walking away? Hold on, really, this is a funny joke. Just let me say it first! What--? What? Why you gotta be that way?"

I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night.
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.

Like, perhaps, the music of Taylor Swift?

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts,
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

No offense, but I think he's looking for the hot cheerleader captain in the mini. Years of college education tell me this much.

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You--you belong with me. You belong with me.

You usually only see such obsessive-compulsive disorders on Montel Williams. Didn't she just describe the competition as a cheerleader captain hottie? And her only defense is she wears busted t-shirts and knows how to laugh? She's describing any number of hobos I've seen living near railroad tracks.

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

Wait--did she just admit to being a hooker while creepishly holding a man's jeans as he walks beside her, apparently half-naked? When did this all go so horribly wrong?? When did this become a Lifetime movie?

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me.

Restraining orders don't work as well as people hope. Taylor's moved to stalking the back door. She's one bad night away from a Lindsay Lohan meltdown. Search Taylor's car and you're probably going to find bundles of rope and a stash of roofies.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreamsThink I know where you belong, think I know it's with me

Man, this guy is a glass house. He's got the water works going to full effect and he's driving to his female friend's home in the middle of the night. Sounds like he needs to hug the hurt out. These two feel like a dream match even Chuck Woolery couldn't conjure up.

Song: Mine
Written By: Taylor Swift

Taylor wants you to know that she's really just one bad breakup away from a murder/suicide pact.

You were in college working part-time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.

"I was a flight risk"?? So the District Attorney is prosecuting her I take it. At this pace she'll be in the cooler doing 5-to-15.

Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded,
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.

So she's a criminal on the lam from the feds. Her parents were probably criminals, too. Let's assume they were drug mules. Let's jazz this up.

But we got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out.

The first Taylor Swift lyric I could ever identify with!

And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands.
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street.

Oh, lordy, Taylor is fighting in the streets in the middle of the night again. Her neighbors must love this. How many times do you think they call the cops in a given week? Taylor is that neighbor--the one that doesn't mow her lawn, has shady 1989 Cutlass Supremes parking in the driveway, and "uncles" named Bruce dropping by every other day.

Braced myself for the goodbye,
‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known.
Then you took me by surprise.
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."

Aww! She found a guy who is as obsessively crazy as she is! It really is a love story!

Good news! We're all going to be panhandling for college!

2011-10-29T00:12:00.000-04:00

According to an analysis by the Associated Press, middle- and lower-class students attending college are accepting the burden of paying off college more than ever. Meanwhile, students of the Buffy and Giles crowd (families earning $100,000+) have been disproportionately funded by various government agencies. How delightful!

Other facts from the AP:

a.) Accounting for inflation, state funding for college and universities has dropped 23% from 2000 to 2010, after growing 6% in the 1980s and 5% in the 1990s.

Feeling broke yet? Hold on...

b.) In 2000, only three states asked students to contribute more to their college funding out of pocket than the state offered in aid.

By 2010, 19 states asked students to contribute more than the state itself was willing to lend a hand.

Hold on! It gets better!

c.) States claim they're tight on cash.

Yet using a metric that measures a state's appropriation for every $1,000 of personal income, state support from 2000-2010 dropped from $7.25 to $6.11. In other words, by about 15%.

Better yet, let's quote directly from the AP article to get the full-on depressing angle about government funding:

"The states are simply funding other priorities," Hartle said. "They're funding Medicaid, they're funding corrections, they're funding elementary and secondary education." Higher education, by contrast, "has an awful lot of people who look like paying customers."

{{Phew}} I was worried college attendance was going to be dictated by academic ability. Now I'm relieved to know it's all going to be based on whether you feel like channeling your inner hobo.

The best part is knowing that after a failed attempt at bettering your life in college, the state will be more than happy to spend a crap ton of cash on you once you end up in prison. Par-tay!!

BREAKING NEWS: Andy Rooney hospitalized in serious condition.

2011-10-25T21:16:00.005-04:00

According to the AP, Rooney is hospitalized in serious condition for unspecified reasons.

Just goes to show that retirement will kill you. Do you know of anyone who retired and didn't eventually die?

Exactly.

Chuckle Ha-Ha.

2011-10-20T00:49:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I posted a comic that mocked eReaders.

Here's one making rounds about grammar.

The real question here: are two cops really needed to take down a portly English teacher? What makes her so dangerous? Adverbs?

Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

2011-10-15T23:28:00.001-04:00

I know you have many choices for blog reading--especially blogs like this one. Which is to say you don't have many choices on that front. Books/education/pop culture/Village People adoration? Not as popular as you imagine in the blogosphere.

What did you do in the meantime? I like to imagine you forgot to bathe, curtains drawn, stacks of Cadbury wrappers covering your belly as you stared at your laptop screen. Waiting, waiting.

Which is why I apologize for the blog being quiet. Let's not speak of this. I know you were lonely. Let's hug it out and get back to where we were.

World Book Night: 100 Greatest Books...as selected by you.

2011-10-11T22:51:00.004-04:00

Well, not really. More like "selected by you and an undetermined number of other people across the globe [with a decidedly British flavor]."

World Book Night will be held April 23, 2012, to coincide with...umm, well it's going to parallel the, uh, the...um. April 23 is the date when the, uh...

I got nothing. I don't know why the organizers picked that date. Earth Day? Isn't that in late April? Yeah, let's go with that. When you think about the sheer amount of trees that give up their lives every day to become a book, it only makes sense to align yourself with an environmental cause. It's called synergy, folks. It's the Circle of Life! Strike up the Elton John!

Anywho, why it's World Book "Night" is equally unexplained. You're supposed to read in the dark, I think, like when you were a portly eleven year old reading under covers with a flashlight, straining your eyes and causing your mother to yell that you'd make yourself blind. (And are you wearing glasses now?? See--your mom was right.)

The 100 Greatest Books is a list constantly in flux, as the more everyday, average folk vote on the list the more the list changes. For reasons that aren't entirely explained, the list is locked in for Britain--so their 100 Greatest Books are already selected. But we're America! The land of the lazy and sometimes illiterate, which means the list isn't set just yet.

So far the list is already shady. Anything with Jodi Picoult, Cormac McCarthy, and Twilight sounds like a bad weekend at Barnes & Noble's holiday clearance rack, which is why you should go on to the 100 Greatest website, create an account with a fake username (I'm Vinny BoomBatz), and develop your own list of non-Soccer Mom affiliated texts.

And come April 23, 2012, you can join me under the covers reading by a flashlight. Under your own covers, I mean. Let's not get too cozy just yet. Your book selection is highly questionable, and you've never offered to buy me dinner.

France bans ketchup in school and college cafeterias.

2011-10-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

In an effort to show they're not down with love handles and early-onset heart attacks, France has banned ketchup in academic cafeterias, including at colleges and universities. Their reasoning is that it's packed with sugar and really not worth the potential diabetes.

According to Jacques (you just knew he had to be named Jacques) Hazan, president of the Federation of School Something-or-Another in France, "We can't have children eating any old thing."

Thankfully, France still allows all kindergarteners two fifteen minute smoke breaks per day.

Tomas Transtromer won the Nobel Prize for Literature just now. I assume he's an autobot.

2011-10-06T16:31:00.002-04:00

Rumor has it that Tomas Transtromer is a poet out of Sweden. He also just won the 2011 Nobel Prize for Literature.

Actually, for a second I thought his last name was "Transformer" and that Optimus Prime just won a literary award. Which would be understandable, because it's likely Optimus Prime has had a greater literary reach by blowing crap up than Tomas Transtormer has with his writing.

Granted, this is the Nobel Prize. It's flashy, but they hand it out every year to either...

1.) Someone who was famous fifty years ago.
or
2.) A kindly old man at the assisted living facility who's good with a limerick.

Apparently there's an old adage that the more complex your name is, the more likely you'll win a Nobel Prize.

"Cuff" ain't winning me a thing then.

Books with soundtracks...

2011-10-03T00:22:00.000-04:00

...because you need a crescendo of violins when sexy-but-practical-businesswoman Kate finally gives into the sexual tension with cocky-but-misunderstood neighbor Brad in that trashy beach read you're thumbing through. Otherwise the moment when they kiss won't feel real. You need music to guide your emotions when you read.

Thankfully, some entrepreneurial spirits came through for you. Enter the Cameron brothers, Paul and Mark, two guys who want to create a "more cinematic-type experience" for reading. They're developing a variety of noise--music, ambient sounds, special effects--to coincide with your eReader experience. In some cases, this equals nine hours worth of material per book. This is because--eh, let's face it--you're a slow reader. Nine hours is being kind.

But if they really want a "more cinematic-type experience," they need to hire some 16 year olds to play on their smartphones as a five year old kicks my seat and an elderly man with gas sits in front of me as I read. Then we're talking authentic.

Monkeys nearly reproducing Shakespeare, dominating world.

2011-10-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

Scientists enjoy bandying about the "Infinite Monkey Theorem," which states that a monkey could hammer out the completed works of Shakespeare on a typewriter if given enough time. These scientists offer infinity as a timeline for getting the work completed, which is on par with Axel Rose's work ethic.

Well, according to the Daily Telegraph, someone set up a computer program using "virtual monkeys" (which is to say not monkeys) set to pound out nine characters at a time. If any of the nine characters matched anything Shakespeare wrote, it's crossed out. So far, according to the report, the "monkeys" have typed out 5 trillion of the 5.5 trillion possible nine character combinations, and are 99.9% complete with Shakespeare's works.

Scientists are snooty crowd though, so most don't believe this should count.

Best part of the story? Apparently, the Arts Council for England tried real monkeys a few years ago and gave up after a month. The monkeys completed five whopping pages in that time (sounds like me) which mainly consisted of typing the letter S repeatedly (sounds like me). They wrote nothing close to a word of English (sounds like me), and used the keyboard as a lavatory (eh...I haven't reached that point yet).

Blast from the past: Andy Rooney's take on books and bookstores from 1994.

2011-09-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

Mind you, this was when Andy Rooney was already 75 years old. That's the sort of age I'd just be happy to recognize myself in a mirror without first having a twenty minute conversation with someone I mistook as a friendly stranger.

Ahh, remember VHS? When you had to worry about blurry lines on your television? TRACKING TRACKING it might yell at you as voices garbled on screen, drowning in a pool of technology. You tell everyone, with a sly grin, "No worries, I got this" before slapping at random buttons and hoping no one notices the VCR's clock was flashing
12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00
all along.

Majority of Icelanders believe in elves.

2011-09-30T00:58:00.000-04:00

Elves are in all of the ~~most god-awful~~ best works of fiction, starting with the myriad of elves from Tolkien and proceeding all the way to Dobby the elf from Harry Potter.

And it seems the folks in Iceland are pretty certain that Dobby isn't fiction, but actually a scathing tell-all on the life of house elves. His death is on your hands, Harry!!

According to a study conducted by the folklore department at the University of Iceland, the majority of Icelanders believe in the existence of elves. 25% of locals said elves likely or definitely exist, while an extra 37% said it's probable.

It's also probable that it gets lonely in Iceland. Long dark nights and all, you know? Plays with the mind. Unless elves are really just roaming the entire island. In which case, someone should get that Ghost Hunters show out to Iceland. There's no way 62% of a nation believes in elves unless there's a black market elf-smuggling operation funneling out of Santa's workshop. Just sayin'...

Banned Books Week: Massachusetts library finally undoes ban of Mark Twain book.

2011-09-28T22:12:00.000-04:00

Charlton (MA) Public Library finally reversed their 1906 ban on Mark Twain's book "Eve's Diary"--a book from the perspective of the biblical Eve. The library originally banned it--105 years ago--because it shows the biblical Eve nude. Thank God, too, because Eve was not pleasant to look at nude. Just ask Adam.

If you ever want to increase sales on a book, pick the least known work by a famous author (Eve's whatnow?) and claim it has ruthless nudity. Then sit back and listen as the author laughs.

If you're smart, you realize your mistake before 105 years have passed.

In case you're wondering--yes, that's one of the controversial images from the book. SHIELD YOUR EYES!!! Good lord, she's showing a calf muscle!

Andy Rooney isn't a fan of Ernest Hemingway.

2011-09-27T20:58:00.000-04:00

Continuing the Andy Rooney send-off:

An interview where he says Ernest Hemingway is a jerk.

Andy Rooney calls it quits on '60 Minutes' this Sunday.

2011-09-27T20:29:00.001-04:00

"Quits" is too strong a word. The man is 92 years old at this point. No, seriously, he's 92. That's not my usual charming sarcasm using a little hyperbole. At 92, I don't think anyone can claim you're a quitter. You just get a pat on the back for not dying during the telecast.

Andy Rooney's last '60 Minutes' telecast is this Sunday. He was a writer before he was a television personality. And yet as a television personality he wrote--by this Sunday--1,097 essays, usually curmudgeonly, always to the point, and occasionally offensive. That probably just means he was doing what any good writer should do: provoke a feeling inside you.

Or he might just rail against computers, like any good grandfather would:

Is it bad I agree with him? Just punch my AARP card at this point. I'm one exciting evening away from an assisted living facility where I troll the grounds in a scooter.

Girl speed reads Dr. Seuss.

2011-09-25T07:46:00.001-04:00

For those of you who've always thought that Dr. Seuss was a little too time-consuming to read:

I'm pretty certain she just slurs her way through after the first 30 seconds. But being a Dr. Seuss book, it all sounds the same no matter the speed.

Jim Henson would've been seventy-five years old today.

2011-09-24T00:01:00.004-04:00

If you didn't watch Sesame Street or The Muppets as a child, odds are you're an incomplete adult. And that's okay. That's what DVDs are for.

Some of the most important education you ever received, undoubtedly, was between the ages of 0 and 7 when the Muppets crew held their deepest influence on you. Not just alphabets (which they helped you learn) and counting (that, too) and colors (obviously) and shapes (yup)--not just typical things that come from books and classrooms and lesson plans so dutifully planned out.

No, the Muppets also taught you how to use your imagination and creativity--how to dream, how to pretend, how to find the quirks of intelligence so often neglected in grades K through 12. More than that, they taught you about feelings--not how to feel or what to feel--just that it was okay to feel, which is probably something your adult self has long battled trying to suppress for years. And it's something all of us could probably stand to have a little more of every day.

And all of that--the feelings, the imaginations, the creativity and whimsical daydreams of make-believe and pretending, of how to let your guard down and be just a little less self-conscious, a little less frightened, a little less on guard--a little more open to yourself and the world around you, whether that world was right beside you or halfway across the globe--was the result of Jim Henson.

He died twenty-one years ago at the much too young age of fifty-three. But his life continues through Big Bird and Fozzie Bear and Oscar the Grouch and Snuffleupagus and Miss Piggy. And, of course, Kermit. And for that, all of us should thank him.

The following is a video from Henson's memorial service about a week after he died, with all the puppeteers who worked with Jim singing a collection of his favorite Sesame Street songs. Go ahead. Try watching it around the 5-7 minute mark and not get a little frowny, or at the conclusion when all the puppets come out. Try.

Fun with editorial cartoons.

2011-09-22T18:05:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. No one under the age of 70 reads the newspaper anymore except me and your grandma. And she's been at 69-and-holding for the past eight years.

But here's a cute editorial cartoon to enjoy. Your grandma and I both like it:

Yeeeah. I'm this close to fiber supplements and early-bird specials at The Sizzler. Way head of you on that one.

Professor dies. School forgets to tell the students.

2011-09-22T18:03:00.002-04:00

University of Pennsylvania political science professor, Dr. Henry Teune, didn't have a pleasurable springtime this year. He died.

The university still allowed students to enroll in his class for this fall though.

Lo and behold, no one told the students Teune died months earlier and, uhhhhh, that class was cancelled. So students showed up to class and waited for Teune to arrive.

And waited.

And waited.

An hour after class started, someone in the Poli-Sci office emailed all the students the news that--hey! guess what?!--you'll be waiting a long while for Teune! Because, you know, he's dead!

At least Teune had the decency to not show up. Who hasn't had a class where the professor was dead but still taught week after week?

Man arrested for singing Bob Dylan to his girlfriend.

2011-09-21T16:49:00.000-04:00

Finally. Someone came to their senses.

Woman works on getting masters in LOLCat

2011-09-21T16:41:00.000-04:00

No, seriously. She's getting a masters in Can I Has a Cheezburger.

Kate Miltner is smarter than all of us. Why? She's getting a masters in internet memes--like the lolcats and anything else that tickles our collective fancy on the internet for about five minutes before we're easily distracted by something new. Look! A chipmunk set to dramatic music!

She's smarter than the rest of us because we didn't think of this first. Anything can be researched in-depth if you put your mind to it (and find a very liberal-minded faculty at a university).

So I'm just putting it out there first: I want to research the complexities of Glee. I've never watched the show, but I assume there's a hundred page paper in there about obsession, bad showtunes, and extensive jazz hand usage that's just dying to be examined.

The wonderful world of make believe.

2011-09-20T00:08:00.000-04:00

Rachel Manija Brown and Sherwood Smith are authors of books largely aimed at young adults. In an article posted on Publishers Weekly's website, they share stories of how book agents and editors have gone about trying to eliminate gay characters in their books.

"The agent offered to sign us on the condition that we make the gay character straight, or else remove his viewpoint and all references to his sexual orientation."

There are also stories in the comments section of the story of editors wiping manuscripts clean of any reference to gay characters.

Which is understandable. Because if there's any demographic that I've known to be touchy about viewing things with an open mind, it's book readers. Vampires who glitter in sunlight and battle werewolves for the love of teenage girls in suburban Washington? That's true to life. Little boys who become wizards and battle Ralph Fiennes in the woods of England? That's realistic.

Gays and lesbians in a book? That's make believe, my friends. That's just your imagination.

Conan the Barbarian probably doesn't appreciate late papers.

2011-09-16T21:09:00.000-04:00

Conan the Barbarian has had an illustrious career. Who can forget the time he helped destroy the Aquilonian outpost of Venarium, or the time he battled the ape man, Thak? I know I won't.

But times have changed. Conan has a Ph.D now, based off a dissertation entitled: "To Hear the Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature." According to a cached version of the Trinity College website, Conan is now a professor at the Dublin college, teaching among other things:

Vengeance for Beginners
The Relevance of Crom in the Modern World
Theories of Literature
Deciphering the Riddle of Steel
D.H. Lawrence

He earned his position at the college "after successfully decapitating his predecessor in a bloody battle which will long be remembered in legend and song."

Of course, the Trinity College website is cached because it doesn't exist anymore. Trinity took it down. Their English department website was hacked.

Which is disappointing. I was looking forward to a class next spring called "Pillaging: The Plagiarism of the Land."

BBC: Trollope to rework Austen's Sense and Sensibility.

2011-09-15T19:09:00.000-04:00

Now, that's no way to talk about a writer!

Ahhhh, wait, Trollope--my mistake. It seems the Trollope in this case is Joanna Trollope, writer of "upmarket family dramas and romances" (per Wikipedia). In essence, she makes the book equivalent of a Mercedes SUV.

Trollope is part of a movement by HarperFiction to create a series of modernizations of Austen's books. If that sounds like a bad idea, well, it is. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho in 1998? No?

Neither does anyone else.

Amazon in talks to create Netflix-like service for books.

2011-09-12T21:42:00.000-04:00

According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Amazon is in talks with publishers to create a Netflix-like service for books. Book publishers are said to be none-too-thrilled with the idea, fearing a lack of overall sales.

Granted, many libraries already offer free downloads for ebooks. So you might ask why someone would pay for a library of ebooks when their own local library offers them for free?

I don't know. Why do you have twenty-five pairs of shoes that look identical to one another? Why do you gamble at casinos? What's with your video game addiction?

So, in essence, Amazon does this because you seem to be allergic to money if you have it too long.

Editors: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

2011-09-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

eReaders are a tricky thing--a thing editors are apparently still learning to adapt to.

Romantic book writer Susan Andersen knows this more than most. According to British newspaper The Guardian, an editor missed a key misspelling on the eReader edition of her latest shirt-ripper.

The misspelling?

"He stiffened for a moment but then she felt his muscles loosen as he shi**ed on the ground."

SHIFTED!!! As he SHIFTED on the ground is what it's supposed to say. You can imagine how Andersen feels. Otherwise it sounds like she writes some really--uhhh--freaky stuff.

3D technology in the classroom: All the excitement of watching Avatar without trying to understand how those floating islands worked.

2011-09-10T20:47:00.001-04:00

The Wall Street Journal reports that 3D technology is all the rage in classrooms these days, mainly as a means to keep students entertained.

Generally, 3D projectors are used in science classrooms--you know, to show planets circling the sun or a dissected frogs' organs.

It doesn't have much practical purpose in an English classroom. "Okay, kids," the English professor might say, "get your 3D glasses on. You've never read Shakespeare's The Tempest until you've read it blurry."

Twitter founder--who dropped out of college--now teaching M.B.A. students.

2011-09-08T22:58:00.002-04:00

Christopher "Biz" Stone dropped out of college. Twice. Once from Northeastern University and once from UMass Boston. If he were in your class, he'd probably be the smartass in the corner that you hated because he laughed at your critiques of literature. (Like me!)

Then, as a two-time dropout, he went on to found Twitter. (Not like me!)

Now, according to the Wall Street Journal, he's a teaching fellow/adviser/new owner of a fancy name plate at UC Berkeley for their M.B.A. program.

Somehow this flies with educators.

It's like getting a divorce from your deadbeat husband because he cheated on you. But then you start dating him again because he drives a Benz and has a house in a desirable zip code. At some point you only have yourself to blame.

Newsweek and The Daily Beast rank colleges on important factors.

2011-09-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

You know, the things parents worry about when sending their kids off to school. Like...

25 Most Beautiful Schools (both campus and student body beauty)

25 Best Schools for Campus Food

25 Best Schools for Wannabe CEOs

25 Most Artistic Schools

25 Best Party Schools

25 Horniest Schools

Go ahead. I know you're going to click on that last one. No sense in trying to pretend otherwise.

Gender gap in college widens.

2011-08-30T17:22:00.000-04:00

Report says American women graduate from college far more than men. And the gap increases every year. Women now make up 60% of all graduate students, too.

What does this mean for America?

(((shrugs shoulders)))

Damned if I know. More mechanics and refrigerator repair specialists? Those men have to be doing something.

I'm sassy. You're bored. Together we make a blog.

2011-08-30T16:49:00.000-04:00

And for that I say thanks.

This month has been the most read month ever at The Toolbox. Each month is seemingly read more than the last, and this month is no different.

Maybe it's all the shut-ins from (non-)Hurricane Irene. Maybe it's a Sally Field moment. (1985 Oscars. Google it.) Whatever it is, it's nice you bother to read.

Thanks.

China bans Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and others for raunchy lyrics.

2011-08-29T18:17:00.000-04:00

The Chinese government is as confused as the rest of us as to what a "disco stick" refers to, and as a result banned Lady Gaga's music for offensive lyrics. They've also banned Katy Perry, The Backstreet Boys (a timeless band by Chinese standards), and a variety of Chinese ballad singers.

Apparently it's sexuality in song lyrics that really has Chinese officials irked. "Poker Face" alone has set back international relations by twenty years.

Babar turns 80. Potentially has forgotten something finally.

2011-08-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

They (they--the random nameless experts in the world used to back up any baseless fact I choose to throw out there for your consumption) say that elephants never forget a thing.

Babar, the French fashionista of an elephant and beloved children's book character, turns 80 years old this month. A little old age forgetfulness has had to kick in by now for the old guy, right? Does a green tuxedo seem like a normal thing to strut in?

I liked it by the fifth time I read it.

2011-08-26T17:31:00.004-04:00

A comic inspired by literary figures is making rounds on the internet lately. It's from Hark, a vagrant, a website by a woman named Kate Beaton. She's from Canada, which means she's probably amazingly nice, abnormally polite, and really hardy in cold, inclement weather.

She also makes comics of famous historical subjects. Like this one, where Edgar Allan Poe gets a letter from Jules Verne.

Philip Levine was named poet laureate of the United States.

2011-08-26T17:20:00.000-04:00

A worthy honor, no doubt.

But let's look at comments from average Americans left at the bottom of the AP news story (typos all their own):

Says a guy named Jim from Wisconsin:
Why is this a paid position? In fact why do we need some dude being the national poet? The position was created in a time when the Art & Culture events were not widely available. We have thousands of poets every day blasting through the Ipods and MP3's. Time to retire this position in the name of cost cutting. If I want a left wing poet, I toss on some Bob Dylan or Neil Young. If I am in a right wing mood, out comes the Ted Nugent with a little Cat Scratch Fever poetry. If I am in the party wing mode out comes the AC/DC poetry.

That's right. The Ipods.

Says a guy nicknamed Geomonster:
A poet laureate? This administration would have done better with a Fairy tale laureate.No matter the political party,why in the world do we need a Poet laureate in the first place?Give me a break, a poet laureate!.What exactly does a poet laureate do for 35 grand a year?.Does he hop out of bed in the morning and get right down to the serious business of writing poetry?
OOOH,I better write some good poetry(if there is such a thing) today or the president will fire me.
Not one second should be spent on lunacy like this while the country is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Or maybe we just need a poet laureate to remind people posting comments on online news stories not to use periods after a question mark or exclamation points.

That degree you paid for through the 1-800 number on TV is becoming less popular these days.

2011-08-25T20:30:00.000-04:00

Remember when the University of Phoenix was still thought of as a joke? Usually there was some fair-haired, pretty young woman lounging in bed, wearing pajamas, tooling about on her laptop, telling us how she could get her degree through casual online classes. Just call today!!

Well, it seems for-profit colleges and universities (University of Phoenix, DeVry University, Vinny Boombatz's School of Higher Learning--all the usual suspects) are still jokes, and now they're sucking wind. According to the Wall Street Journal, new-student enrollment is down across the board, in some cases down by 45%.

If it wasn't sad enough that you tried to pay for a degree through a 1-800 number, it's even more pathetic when your school might tank before there's even a school reunion. (A reunion most likely held online, in a chat room, although maybe a message board if the budget is extra tight.)

Old Navy is confused about grammar, decides apostrophe is overrated.

2011-08-24T21:28:00.000-04:00

Old Navy has a licensing agreement with 70 colleges and universities, generally to emblazon the school logo on a paper thin t-shirt that'll last 10 rounds in the wash before it needs to be replaced.

To save time, Old Navy washed out the apostrophe on all their t-shirts. Someone in the t-shirt design department apparently missed class in second grade when we all learned how apostrophes work.

I know, I know. Do I want to be that guy mocking someone for not using an apostrophe correctly?

Yes...yes, I do.

Amazon.com amps up attempt at entering publishing biz, signs self-help guru.

2011-08-23T19:35:00.000-04:00

I guess if you're the publishing business, which isn't doing so hot, you might look for help. And help is to be had in the self-help section of your own industry. If you can't help yourself, then really, who can you help?

Remember Tony Robbins? The swarthy looking self-help guru with banana hands that did infomercials throughout the '90s?

Picture his younger, blonder, more obnoxious brother. Timothy Ferriss is his name, and he is out to change your life, preferably through 4 hour increments. He's the author of The 4-Hour Work Week and The 4-Hour Body, both New York Times bestsellers. Now he's decided we all stink at cooking, so he's teamed with Amazon to release The 4-Hour Chef. (Notice the subtle decline in what you can accomplish in 4 hours. The work week...your body...a casual task. Soon we'll be down to The 4-Hour Cat Nap.)

Mom and pop bookstores aren't too thrilled with this idea, for they fear Amazon will wipe out independent booksellers. Many are choosing to refuse any shelf space to the new book. Why help the competition that helped popularize eReaders, which is looking to crush you?

Let's just assume Ferriss's next book will be aimed at booksellers: The 4-Hour Unemployment Line.